Friday, September 22, 2006

I'm not worthy

I've been trying to figure out what to say on my first post. Problem is, there's too much to say and bigger problem is, who will care. After a few days of reading the first blogs i've ever read, i've heard some unbelievable horror stories. I'm afraid to post comments and/or introduce myself for fear of rejection.

Recently, I was rejected by a potential grief-mate because i hadn't lost my baby at FULL-TERM like her. I was stunned. She highlighted FULL-TERM in her rejection email.

I felt so relieved to finally find the the world of the deadbabyblogs where i could tell my horrifying story without offending anybody. Now that I've lurked for a few days, I realize that my story isn't so bad compared to so many others.

I am afraid that people TTC will reject me because I get pregnant easily and that people who've had disasters will reject me because none of my disasters were at term and I have two living children. Could I possibly feel like I haven't suffered enough? How f'ed up is that?


Blogger delphi said...

Well, I certainly haven't come across any dismissiveness from the particular set of bloggers that I read regularly. A dead baby is a dead baby, as far as I'm concerned, and the number of days s/he lived on this earth or in the womb has very little to do with the amount of grief we feel in our hearts when s/he passes out of our life. I am sad for the person who rejected you because your stories weren't exactly the same: she has lost the oppertunity to share the weight of her loss with someone who understands, albeit from a very slightly different perspective.

Midterm, early, late loss. What difference does it make? Your heart is ripped out and the world at large doesn't understand. I hope you can find the people you have been looking for; people who can support you regardless of the particulars of your life.

Please don't compare stories and minimize your losses. A baby is a baby, as far as I'm concerned, and you have borne more pain and loss than most. At least, that is how I feel.

All the best to you.


9:39 PM  
Blogger charlotte said...

Holy crap. No one should make you feel like your suffering is not enough.

And honestly, I don't think any TTC folks will hate you because you get pregnant easily. If they do I will hate them back AND feel sorry for them.

I am so glad that you are starting a blog because you have a lot to offer. You are one of the most honest people I have ever met. You don't fuck around, and you say what you mean. Not only do you tell the brutal truth of your experience, you also have a tremendous capacity for compassion.

I too have shared your fear of commenting, though. It is intimidating, especially for people who are aware that they don't want to write something stupid and offensive about such sensitive issues as we all face.

So I say welcome. Welcome to this community of bloggers, each with our own pain, our own struggles, our own versions of hell, our own grace.

Plus, all the people I have come to love are misfits anyway. You will fit right in.

10:21 PM  
Blogger Co said...

Hi. I navigated here from Charlotte's blog.

I have never felt the loss of a child, personally. I'm a TTCer who just started TTCing. But in general, I will say thst I am not a big fan of misery poker. My pain is worse than your pain because of when I lost my child? That'd be like telling my former minister, who lost 2 beautiful babies (one was stillborn, the other died 2 days after being born), that he was "lucky" because he'd got to spend 2 days in NICU with one of his babies before it died... While he really valued the 2 days he was able to spend with his baby, he lost the NICU baby just as surely as he lost his stillborn child. Cold comforts are still cold. Grief is still grief. I'm really appalled that someone would reject you because your losses happened at different times than theirs did.

So, blog away. In general, I find the blogging community to be supportive. I hope you can find support here, too.

6:12 AM  
Blogger Trista said...

Hey, Charlotte pointed you out to me...

As someone who has been using fertility meds for 6 months now without a single ovulation, I'm going to say right now that I'm not going to hate you for getting pregnant easy. Getting pregnant easy doesn't count when you don't end up with a live baby to show for it.

Now, if you got pregnant easy, had delightfully easy pregnancies, with nary a complication AND THEN decided to blog about your wonderful trips through pregnancy land as an object lesson to all us grumpy pusses out here... then I'd be forced to hate you. Not for the joy, but for the sanctimoniousness.

Cause, seriously, I'm hoping for some joy for you, and you don't sound like the sanctimonious type...

I'm rambling. Welcome.

6:15 AM  
Anonymous tonya cinnamon said...

you know what... people have no clue on how one feels..
i say you belong.. so post away..
i am a mom with 3 kids had 2 miscarriges.. unfortunly love to have another but not able due to being tied.. cant afford the extra cash to get untied at this moment.. or anything else.. but i am here for support.. for the laughs the tears the hugs...
and oh ya the free drinks ^__^

9:15 AM  
Blogger Catherine said...

Not as "bad?" Are there points? Do we win a prize for the most horrific?

Seriously...things are DIFFERENT when you lose a baby to a miscarriage...when you lose a baby full term...when you lose a baby who was born alive. They're all DIFFERENT. But none is WORSE than the other.

My own story includes two different losses. But both my boys meant something to me...regardless of the fact that one was almost fully baked and one was only half baked. They're my children and I mourn their passing. Plain and simple.

I am so very sorry you have reason to join this particular circle in the blogosphere. I hope you are able to find some support and comfort in the words you find here. And I hope you don't mind if I peek in on your words too.


6:51 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Fuck anybody who has the nerve to make pain and despair into a competition! You have the right to your grief, regardless if it's over the death of a child at 1 month past conception, or the death of a pet waterbeetle. Emotions are personal and valid, and to hell with those beeyatches who've had the nerve to judge your feelings and find you wanting!!!

Welcome to the Blogosphere, from another newbie.

8:41 AM  
Blogger Renae said...

I'm one of the TTC folks (haven't blogged much about it but it's our situation) and honestly, thank God that someone can get pregnant easily! If I could I'd wish your babies back for you. And I am so freaking sorry you've had to endure so damn much.

Blog on. :)

7:05 PM  
Blogger AJW5403 said...

Nobody should ever try to compair a loss depending on what stage you were at in your pergnancy. A loss no mater when is heart breaking. I am sorry people have made you feel this way.

I too am one of those people that get pregnant very easy. But out of 5 PG's I only have to living children.

I am sorry you had to join the club of blogging about babies that you can not hold every day.

5:22 AM  
Blogger Married Lesbian Mom said...

Over here by way of Charolette's blog. HEck I don't even comment on her's as I am a "lurker". Welcome and I look forward to reading you and getting to know you. Good luck with all and stop by on my blog and say hi some time.


7:49 AM  
Blogger vee said...

Here by way of Charlotte.

Did someone (Tonya) say something about free drinks?

Seriously, welcome, though I wish the circumstances were different.

I've only just started TTC, and have never been pregnant, so have little idea of the pain you must have been/are going through, but I'd like to stick around and read your postings, because I admire the brutal honesty you've shown.

6:09 AM  

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