Monday, September 25, 2006

My shadow pregnancy is EVIL

As if i wasn't enduring enough torture....

Early this summer, a week after i got pregnant with our most recent disaster, the one that i held in my hand after delivering him alone on my toilet, my now ex-friend told me that she was also pregnant. This woman is a neighbor and was a close friend during my 22 week dead baby disaster in December 2005. I will call her Evil Shadow Pregnancy* (ESP) (she is due the week after I was due).

She already has a 3 year, 4 month-old boy and an 18month old boy aka "the stairstep children." She's due in January and then will have three children age 3 & under. Don't get me started on that.

She was DESPERATE for girl and i mean desperate like you won't believe, desperate like MAYOR of Crazytown desperate (thansk charlotte for this useful term) She was doing everything humanly possible to conceive a girl but the month that she got pregnant she ovulated early and so it turned out she inadvertently had sex during BOY TIMING. GASP!! Such was her dismay at the bad timing that she wigged and got a prescription for the morning after pill. It didn't work.

So she went thru the first 6 or so weeks of the pregnancy in denial. She told me right away that she was planning to wait for the CVS and abort the baby if it was a boy. Yes you heard me. She didnt tell many people; she was "trusting me" with this obviously sensitive information. I didn't share my opinion with her and she didn't ask for it. She said basically if it’s a girl, then I can handle another baby (in addition to her two out-of-control, maniac boy toddlers, but if it’s a boy then and I quote, “I’m all set.” Off to the baby vacuum with him.

At one point she said she was just really in denial of the pregnancy and was in a very "Zen-like" state about the whole thing. Sister, I'm no Buddhist but I know Zen-like and THAT AIN"T IT.

She went for her CVS at 10 weeks and refused to look at the screen. I started to feel like giving her some advice but she made it clear that she was not talking or thinking about it at that point.

Right around that time, I saw my second dead baby on an ultrasound. I had to wait FIVE days for a D&C.


The night before D(&C)Day finally rolled around, I woke up in a pool of blood (no thanks to the misoprostol that was supposed to "ripen" my cervix for the procedure). Don't get me started on the misoprostol fiasco.

I ended up violently expelling the contents of my uterus and delivering little melman into the palm of my hand. I went on to have a goddamn D&C anyway, without any type of sedative whatsoever, because the do-it-myself abortion wasn’t complete. More on this later. Back to the story.

After my nightmarish ordeal, I subjected family and friends to an email that briefly and bitterly described the ordeal. My ex-friend was mad that I was insensitive enough to send her the email which included a description of the 3 ½ inch long baby with fingers and toes that I could’ve counted.

At this point, the advice I wanted to give ESP was this: pretending that your baby doesn’t exist and then aborting him is likely to set you up for a bigger disaster. I was afraid that after she did it she would THEN start to think about what the baby looked like at the point of its demise.

I though she’d be better off acknowledging her son first and then if she chose to go through with it, then she knew full well who she was aborting, namely a baby with fingers and toes and unfortunately for him, a penis.

I digress. On the day that I found out from pathology that my dead baby, whose ashes I would soon pick up, was a boy. Finding this out added to my heartbreak for reasons that I will explain later.

While I was reeling from the shock, she called to tell me the good news. She was having a girl, the girl that she wanted so badly that she was going to abort a male fetus. I couldn’t f*cking believe it.

She actually said, “Yeah... I don’t know why I’m not more excited.” I said, “Well, the alternative was a little sobering.” That’s the closest we’ve come to broaching the topic.

It had not really occurred to me that she might actually be having a girl and that I might have to be around Evil Shadow Pregnancy and watch her go through her pregnancy. I was an extra-big wreck for days, weeks after she so kindly shared her happy news. I had "the stares" so aptly named by bri at unwellness for about a week.

What the f*ck.

I was already a little unclear on how the dispensing of live and dead babies worked anyway and why the universe or bad luck or whatever had given me three dead babies but THIS? Why does she get her happy ending when she was going to abort her baby because it was a boy?

When I see Evil Shadow Pregnancy (ESP) I am filled with rage and bitterness. I have been avoiding her like the plague, which has been a little awkward since we are neighbors and she did come, rubbing her 20-week-belly, to my son’s birthday party and to our neighborhood camp-out a few weeks later.

One time when I saw her I was visibly f’ed up I think and she asked me how I was and then suggested I needed a little more time to myself. Grrrr.

I ran into her today. I got away as fast as I could. I have some seriously unpleasant thoughts about ESP. I hope she feels guilty for the rest of her life. I hope her three babies at once make her life a living hell. I hope her little princess is a raving bitch. I feel bad for thinking such unpleasant thoughts, sort of, well not really.

I heard through a mutual good friend of mine, who is due the day before me- (MO’ FO!!!!!) that ESP wasn’t bonding to the baby and needed to see vagina on the 20-week-ultrasound before she could really believe it.

I hate Evil Shadow Pregnancy.

However, I do not want to be consumed by this rage and bitterness any longer.


I’d really like to hear your uncensored thoughts on what you think of all this and then any suggestions on getting a grip on my substantial rage.

*Thanks to Bri at unwellness’s friend jen for this useful term, shadow pregnancy.


Anonymous Pronoia said...

I think ESP is a raving loon who doesn't know how good she has it. I think you're doing better than I would be in such situations and really? Rage all you want. It is unfair and it does suck.

I recommend a really good friend who will not only hear you say all kinds of mean and petty things, she'll help you think of more. When I needed the same treatment, my girlfriend made me laugh so hard I couldn't be angry anymore, at least not right then. It helped.

I'll be thinking of you.

8:20 AM  
Blogger Catherine said...

I'm a big believer in feeling things for a while...not trying to force them down. Of course, it's a fine line between that and allowing them to swallow you up. I don't know how to do just do the best you can, I guess.

8:26 AM  
Blogger Trista said...

You know, I have a standard offer I make to on-line friends in times of crisis. Particularly in times of crisis that involve another human being.

You want me to give her leprosy for you? Really, her having leprosy would solve so many of your problems...

And I'd do it, too.

9:24 AM  
Blogger charlotte said...

She is a crazy bitch. Clearly.

I would be mad too. But really I feel sorry for her, because she will be miserable. I mean, imagine the expectation that will be put on this poor girl child. No one should be wanted that much. It is psycho. And their family dynamic will reflect that. She will suffer. It is inevitable.

I'm glad you avoid her instead of prtending that all is well. She is just gross.

11:07 AM  
Anonymous ~ danielle said...

just think of the therapy bills she'll have and how much the little princess will hate her when she finds out that if she'd had a penis, she never would have taken a breath. She's a douche bag - sorry she's your neighbor and she's clearly so stupid.

6:32 PM  
Blogger whatthef*ck said...

thanks to all of you for saying mean things about ESP on my behalf. leprosy sounds good as long as she doesnt get off easy by dying.

the thing that gets me the most is how unfair it is that she got what she wanted when she put that awful shit out there into the universe. i dont expect karma to be instant but COME ON. my shit always seems to come back around in a hurry.

i am also mad because i imagine that she would've gotten an unconscious D&C to kill her baby when i had such a nightmare of a time getting my dead one out of me.

i've got his ashes in my cabinet for chrissake. (i couldn't let pathology throw him in the garbage when i held him in my hand. it felt like we'd been introduced, y'know. and i already had one box of dead baby ashes in my cabinet, what's one more?)

enough already. i'm taking a break from myself tonight.

8:07 PM  
Blogger Treggles said...

"I hate Evil Shadow Pregnancy. "

Me too.

2:12 PM  
Anonymous jenny said...

ESP is a crazy, crazy bitch.

And the universe: unfair.

6:08 AM  

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