Thursday, September 28, 2006

I"m trusting you Universe, you big a-hole

I've been reluctant to even write about this because then it will be OUT THERE and i won't be able to take it back.

I'm happy to rant and rave and curse and relay detailed descriptions of my horrifying experiences. But i'm afraid to write or talk much about my fear or my hope. especially the hope.

It's the goddamn hope that keeps growing back.

When i last saw a motionless, crumpled up baby on an ultrasound, i swore, quite loudly, "I WILL NEVER, EVER, EVERRRRRR SEE A GODDAMNED DEAD BABY ON AN ULTRASOUND AGAIN. I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. WHY IN THE F*CKING NAME OF CHRIST WOULD I SUBJECT MYSELF TO MORE TORTURE WHEN I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL, HEALTHY CHILDREN? NEVER. F*CKING. AGAIN.

I said to my perinatologist, who had nervously watch me nearly die in intensive care as we waited for december's dead baby to come out along with the uterus full of infected amniotic fluid that was causing my organs to fail one by one, "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET YOUR F*CKING REDEMPTION AND NEITHER AM I."

NEVER AGAIN.

Yet here i am, barely three months later, waiting to see if i am pregnant for the sixth time. I am doing it again. I am 7dpo and a little clump of could-be baby might be burrowing into my beleagured uterus right now. I hope this is happening. At least I think I do.

If and when i see those two pink lines, what will be the first thing that I think? Will it be... "oh sweet jesus, how might this baby die? what sort of torture might i have to endure this time? will i die too this time? will i end up holding a baby or a corpse? will i end up crying tears of joy or of complete and utter HEARTBREAK? will i see a heartbeat or more crumpled up, motionless, deadness? will i need all those extra pads for post-live-baby delivery or dead? will i be happy when i pull out those pads or suicidal? what will be happening when the sopranos comes back on?

WHAT WILL HAPPENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN?

Could somebody please just tell me? If I have the courage (or utter stupidity) to do this again, then shouldn't it turn out okay this time. Yeah, right.

Let's review:

#1 1st try. spotting at 7 weeks then perfect. had no idea how good i had it.

#2 5th try. spotting at 7 weeks, heartbeat, spotting stopped. serious spotting at 10 1/2 weeks. dead baby. baby died at 7 1/2 weeks. THREE WEEKS BEFORE. waited one day for unconscious D&C. had no idea how good i had it.

#3 1st try. spotting at 6 or 7 weeks. heartbeat. more spotting. heartbeat and blood clot. big, nasty blood clot that would most likely end the pregancy. bleeding and terror for 10 weeks. terror, more terror. daughter. alive. very small and really mad, but alive!

#4 1st try. ugh. can't go there. vanishing cervix, cerclage, 22 1/2 weeks brought infection, four days in hospital, 106.1 fever, baby still alive and kicking but she had to die so i didn't. baby, little charlotte, heart-shaped face like her five-year-old big brother.

big brother comes to hospital and inquires, "are we having our baby now?" to which i reply, "We already did, Bud." "Well where is she?" "She's gone, Bud. She died." "Why did she die?" "Because she was too little." heartbreak. I digress. baby in morgue.

#5 1st try. fear. heartbeat. told big brother about baby. he said, "Is our baby going to die?" shock. dead baby on ultrasound at 11 weeks. nightmare. 5 day wait for D&C. night before D&C, misoprostol to "ripen" cervix causes (3 hours later)excruciating toilet delivery of 3 inch long baby with 10 fingers and 10 toes, laid to rest on a bed of toilet paper, needed D&C anyway of course, D&C with NO SEDATIVE WHATSOEVER due to fucktard doctor. pregnant friend who was going to abort her baby if it was a boy calls to announce she's having a girl. good times.

#6 ?

Why on earth would i do this again?

Have I really lost my mind completely this time?

Quite possibly, yes.

9 Comments:

Blogger Catherine said...

What will happen? I wish I could answer that for you. That uncertainty and fear is paralyzing at time. But NO MATTER what happens...you've got us here in the blogosphere. And we get it...we really do.

{{{hugs}}}

1:41 PM  
Blogger whatthef*ck said...

thank you catherine. i just added some details about my many pregnancies.

tears. finally some tears.

1:47 PM  
Blogger delphi said...

I didn't used to get it. Now I do. But that doesn't mean that I have anything helpful to say.

Just lots of love to send your way.

6:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

damn. I can. not. imagine.
I know this trying to get a baby shit can become like a pissing contest of sorts - but damn. I don't think the hell you have been through could ever make sense. EVER.

7:41 AM  
Anonymous Round is Funny said...

I'm breathless hearing your story. Wishing you only the best, and the ending you want this time.

12:54 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

It terrifies me just to think about how it will feel to be back in it. I hope this is it for you.

2:36 PM  
Blogger whatthef*ck said...

thanks for your comments ladies. i just added a few more details about #5 pregnancy.

i have a feeling that people are reading this and not commenting.
is it too awful? is it not awful enough?

i am still afraid that people TTC are going to read this and think i'm a big bitch because i've gotten pregnant so easily. is that crazy? don't be afraid to tell it like it is. that's what i'm here for.

4:33 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

You are another example, nay, proof positive, of something I've always known deep in my heart: women are the hope of humanity and the human race. Regardless of what happens, no matter how often we may stumble and doubt, no matter how often the universe deals us a crap hand, we almost always can still hope.

No, I'm not some man-hating woman, who thinks that the male gender is to blame for everything. I just believe that there is something special about us women. We can face heartbreak on a level unparalleled at the death of a child. We can weep bitter, futile tears as beloved child takes a wrong path, and ruins their life and/or someone else's. And yet, we can still hope.

Don't be ashamed of your hope, even if the worse happens. It doesn't mean you're stupid, or greedy for wanting more children. It means you are human in the most glorious way possible. Much love, and sorry my "comment" turned into a book!

5:33 PM  
Anonymous jenny said...

I know this is an older post but I finally got around to reading your archives and DAMN - that shit sucks.

No one will hate you for becoming pregnant easily. I have faced very little snark, the most annoying was some Super-Christian woman on The Site That Will Not Be Named who tried to tell me it was better for my baby that I miscarried because I am a lesbian. Uh, whatever.

Women who are TTC who get jealous of those of us in the Dead Baby Club need to get over it. It all sucks. Not getting pregnant sucks. Getting pregnant and having your baby die sucks. No matter when the baby died. It's all crappy.

9:47 AM  

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