Monday, February 26, 2007

My 2-Year-Old Daughter is Wearing a Panty Shield: Moments of Levity in a High-Risk Pregnancy

There haven’t been very many fun moments in this pregnancy but there have been a few. Who says it’s all bad news (and too much information) coming from Little Miss Sunshine? So how did my daughter end up proudly sporting a Carefree Lite Day Pantyshield? Well, those of you with kids who are mobile know you can never go to the bathroom without an audience. If you’re not quite there yet, trust me, you will be.

Bear with me here for a little background information. In order to help prevent another disastrous infection like the one that ended my pregnancy with LC, I have been using an acid gel nightly. Since what goes up must come down, I use pantyshields to absorb the run-off.

Now I rarely have any privacy in the bathroom because Troll Girl (TG) either hears me go in there or her sixth sense that detects when she might me missing something kicks in and she drops her baby like a bad habit and bolts to my side. Yes, I’ve tried locking the door.

She immediately muscles her way to a full view of the situation. Then comes the commentary: “Mama, you go peepee in your underpants? Mama, you NOT get a treat. Or my personal favorite, “Mama, your underpants a little bit broken.” Then she proceeds to demand a pantyshield for herself despite my efforts to dissuade her; I draw the line when she wants them solely for the purpose of sticking them to her arms and legs. She’s allowed one, which she deftly opens, peels back the paper, and expertly places in the crotch of her beloved brother’s hand-me-down, Bob the Builder briefs. Then off she goes, a big-wheel driving, pantyshield-wearing force to be reckoned with. I stand in awe of this child every single day.

The other funny thing that is happening involves Troll Girl’s use of the Doppler, a hand-held gadget used to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I rented one to combat the force of my catastrophic imagination; that is, I use it to confirm that our baby is in fact alive.

TG loves this gadget and almost every day, sometimes more than once a day, she subjects me to this treatment. It goes like this: she comes marching over to my spot in the couch and says, “Mama, I do your heartbeat?” It’s not really a question even though it is posed as such. Then she grabs the tube of goo from my tray o’ crap, unscrews the cap, and squirts some around the base of the wand. She turns on the device, yanks up my shirt, and positions the wand on my belly. She listens ever-so-briefly, not attempting to actually find the heartbeat, then cocks her head and inquires, “All done?” Then, swear to God, she wipes my belly up and with a little prompting trots off to dispose of the gooey tissue.

The thing that amazes me is how she goes, unhesitatingly, through this routine with the practiced hand of a seasoned obstetrician. I started to think this was fairly normal until Rocket Man’s godmother saw her do it and set me straight with, “_____, I’ve never seen a 2-year-old work a Doppler before.” Once again. Awe.


Blogger Sophia said...

i need a panty shield cuz I'm peeing in my pants at the story

holding you and yours in the light for the not funny parts

8:22 PM  
Blogger K77 said...

PMSL. 2 year olds are so damned funny. Today in the car I got "my penis needs his mum".

3:26 AM  
Anonymous bri said...

That's excellent. GMB also loved panty shields. And maxi-pads. And tampons. He would have tantrums in the grocery store until Wes would buy him his OWN BOX. Sometimes he used them to pad the walls of his room. Sometimes he tried to stuff tampons into his underwear. It is one of our favorite pieces of blackmail. Wes has photos.

7:04 AM  
Blogger spryngtree said...

Oh :( I wish I had come back sooner, I was just checking to see how you were doing. And saw that you've been panicking. In case of another panic this is a message board that I found incredibly helpful:

One thing that really helped with contractions was taking something called slo-mag that you can get at your local vitamin shop. Its not magnesium sulfate its just a supplement that helps keep magnesium levels in your body constant. Remember to drink a lot if you are having contractions.

I haven't read your full story because I suspect its too much like mine for me to handle at the moment, but I wanted to let you know that my second son made it here through a cerclage and six monhts of bedrest, gestational diabetes and had to be induced. BTW at this point someone should check your glucose tolerance if no one has yet.

FWIW at 28 weeks a lot of the fear lifted and my 2nd pregnancy seemed a lot more normal. There was still a lot to process afterwords though he's 2 now and I'm still working on it. He calls panty shields "mommy diapers" How'm I ever going to convince him to potty train if he thinks even adults wear diapers?

7:44 AM  
Anonymous j said...

Wow. Your daughter is totally impressive.

And unintentionally hysterical.

8:14 AM  
Blogger Michell said...

That's a really cute story about the pantyliners. kids can come up with some of the darndest things. I just stumbled upon your blog while reading another blog that I usually read and have been reading your story. I am amazed at the things you have been through. I can't imagine having to live through any of those things on it's own, but to do all of it. Wow. I hope that everything continues to be ok for this pregnancy, or at least as ok as they can be. That sounds trite, I'm sorry but I don't know what to say other than you are amazing.

3:46 PM  
Blogger Dee said...

LOL! That is a funny and wonderful story! She sounds adorable! That's what you need to get you through the day.

5:11 PM  
Blogger lagiulia said...

That is really, really cute. What a spectacular little girl you've got!

6:32 PM  
Anonymous Karly said...

"Then off she goes, a big-wheel driving, pantyshield-wearing force to be reckoned with." What a picture I have in my head from that. LOL.

10:29 AM  
Blogger Rosepetal said...


1:29 PM  
Blogger Aurelia said...

I'm laughing because my sons were fascinated by tampons and pads.

PMSL as well!

7:45 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

This post has me laughing out loud! Holy smokes, too funny!!!

1:02 PM  
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