Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Wow. Now that’s more like it.

I so appreciate all of your comments and your willingness to engage with me. It feels so much better to share and then receive a response like that. Thanks for taking the time and for reaching back to me.

Catherine- I was thinking of you when I wrote please don’t feel pressure to comment. I know it must be hard, impossible even, to go there. Thank you for going there by reading and your comment about not commenting really was a very touching comment. I often read your blog and don’t comment because I just want to say something good but can’t find the words.

Kari- Thank you for your honesty and for having the balls to say that you secretly thought that losing your baby at 38 weeks was worse than my disaster. I love that you had the guts to say that. Even though you said you changed your mind, I think I’d lose LC twice before I’d lose a baby at term. I can’t imagine anything worse. And I was lucky enough to have two kids at home. I came home from the hospital with a copy of Empty Cradle, Broken Hear yet every night I went in to see my daughter sleeping, I counted my blessings that my cradle was full of a footie-pajama-clad little girl. If LC had been my first I don’t know what I would’ve done.

Ladybug- Having the nurse cry with us like that really did help us deal. The doctors and nurses were so incredibly empathic that we actually sent a thank-you letter and homemade cookies a few weeks later. Their compassion was so appreciated that we actually felt grateful even while the nightmare was unfolding. When times are so shitty like that, it is a real gift, a lifeline even, to feel some gratitude.

To all of you who are reading as you are pregnant and fearful or wanting to be pregnant (and not fearful): This can’t happen to you. This is one disaster that you are safe from unless you’ve had a recent LEEP procedure, ZERO follow-up care, then an incompetent cervix, then a late cerclage. Then a whole bunch of other things had to go wrong for the bacteria to travel up the vagina that far and thru the cervix and then INTO the placenta. It truly was a series of unfortunate events. Fancy doc has seen two infections like this in 20 years. We can all take a little comfort from that, cold though it is. The chance of it happening to me again is infinitesimal. The reason that I say all this is that deadbabyland is a frightening place indeed and we are all brave for being here and supporting each other through the nightmares and their aftermaths.

I really felt so much better about sharing after I read your comments. After the first round I was less than inspired to continue but now I feel better about pressing on. I loved that you shared your thoughts, reactions, and experiences. That’s what I’m here for and I hope that I can provide the same for you.

You really are an extraordinary group of people. Thank you.

By the way, I saw fancy doc today and my cervix is holding up great. I still worry that he is not very conservative and that other doctors would’ve put me on bedrest especially with all of the contractions that I’ve been having. He is taking a wait-and-see approach and says that although the contractions put me at increased risk for pre-term labor, we’ll just check the cervix every two weeks and if it looks good then we’ll carry on with business as usual. It helps my anxiety level to have my dad here and for me to be on light duty. Otherwise I’d be half-expecting my water to break every time I bend over. As it is, I feel like disaster is lurking around every corner. But my cervix feels good and that’s good news now matter how my twisted psyche tries to spin it.

In two weeks I will go back for an u/s and the fetal fibronectin (FFN) test. The FFN measures a protein in the cervical mucus and then predicts whether or not pre-term labor will occur in the next two weeks. It is very reliable when the result is negative but it is prone to false-positives. I’ll spare myself and you all that drama for now.

Thanks again for your responses. My faith in the power and richness of blogland has been restored.

6 Comments:

Blogger ladybug said...

WTF,
just peeking in here again, to say thank you for your story. some may think i am morbid or worse, but i am going to be an old-lady when i start ttc, and i know my risks of Lots of Bad Things increase right at the age i am at NOW - 35. so in three years, god only knows. i like to be informed and do not want to be skipping happily into prego la-la-land and then have something happen...[crap, i was gonna say 'like a simple miscarriage' - and while i know it isnt simple, after reading your BFN installments, it seems like more of the mundane things that could potentially go wrong - god i hope i am not upsetting anyone reading this, most of all, you]

its good to know there can be a scary roller coaster ride. it makes me crazy to think of all the 'easy pregnancies' and how babies go to term every day without insane things happening, and no one stands in AWE that they made it. i hope reading stories like yours and others makes me forever-grateful if i do have an uneventful pregnancy and if not, i will know that other strong women have walked in these shoes and have survived.

hugs and god bless you and your family!

ladybug

11:00 PM  
Anonymous kari said...

wtf,
it takes a lot of balls for you to tell this story. and while it's so hard to read, it's already taught me not to think my own horror show was worse than anyone else's.
i had that pre-term labor test with my subsequent pregnancy, and subsequently "prommed" a week later. my second baby was born a week after that, very much alive, at 32 weeks. she's 7 months now. and honestly, while i was pregnant, i just wanted to get to the point where she would live and be ok and get her out ... before my body could kill her. so i know the absolute terror you're going through every second of every day.

7:20 AM  
Blogger Rosepetal said...

So dammit, I read this morning when I was supposed to be getting ready for work and didn't have time to comment. And now I come back and I missed the comments!

WTF, your experience is truly awful. I lost my son at term and there is no explanation as to why. The pregnancy was perfect and problem free all the way through. He was my first born. But I don't think that LC dying is better or worse. Both experiences are just too awful for comparison. You live with the knowledge that she had to die so that you could live. It wasn't a choice, otherwise both of you would have died.

I hope that writing your story was cathartic. I am "glad" that you shared it. (Glad isn't the right word, of course).

P.S. I've always thought that it was ironic that Alannis didn't know what irony was. Rain on your wedding day? That's just a bummer.

11:24 AM  
Blogger lagiulia said...

I am glad that you feel a little better about the comments. We are here to support you.
I am usually not so bold to ask questions like this, so as not to imply that your doctor or you don't know what you're doing. I'm sure you both do. But since you brought up the bedrest issue, I was wondering if you've considered putting yourself on bedrest, at least until 28 weeks or so? I know that is a tall order, especially since you have 2 kids, but I was just wondering about your thinking on this. I went into ptl at 27 weeks and was in the hospital on magnesium for a week. Then I went home with a terbutaline pump in my leg and remained on bedrest for the remaining 6 weeks of my pregnancy. I am in NO WAY comparing my experience to yours, as I had already reached viability, and that is the difference between night and day. But in my experience, I had been feeling pretty crappy throughout most of my pregnancy (I have twins), and I had been taking it pretty easy up to about 25 weeks, out of sheer exhaustion and nausea/vomiting. My cervical length was great up to that point. But then around 25 1/2 weeks I went on vacation, where I over did it (walking, swimming, less sleep, etc.). When I came back for a routine dr. appt., my cervix had shrunk from 4 to 1, I had a positive ffn, and a monitor picked up tons of contractions. Everything turned out okay, but I do wish I'd continued to rest instead of being active. Based on your history, I guess I'm just nervous for you (duh!) and just wanted to ask you about this. Again, I know our situations are very different from top to bottom, and the only reason I shared my background was to let you know where I'm coming from, not to imply that our experiences were similar. No way.
I hope you're having a good day!

11:48 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

Your story is something that follows me through the day. I often think of you, and what you went through, and just hope that this pregnancy continues to stay on track. And, your story helps me get through in some ways. We're having a difficult pregnancy and for some reason following you helps me. Thank you for sharing.

5:33 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

I'm glad you're getting the comment support for the writing of the BFN.

Your story stays with me, too, as someone else said. Sometimes it does so in very morbid ways, like, "I sure hope I don't miscarry TK because now I would definitely see fingers and toes."

But you know, when the Penguion died, that was my biggest question and no one could really answer it - if I did the Misoprostil (sp?) and miscarried on my own at home, would I see anything baby-like? Some assured me I would not. But I very well might have. That, while gross and sad, is important information.

6:38 AM  

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