Monday, January 29, 2007

Grumpy

I’m grumpy for no good reason. Even as I think of my reasons, I think of reasons why my reasons are bullshit. Like my clothes don’t fit and I’m uncomfortable unless I’m wearing sweatpants. But hello, how lucky am I to be pregnant at all? How many people would trade places with me so they could be uncomfortable in stupid-ass maternity pants? Who wouldn’t put on a pair of panel pants in return for feeling a baby kicking in the belly?

Side note: I think the panel actually wasn’t such a bad idea after all especially after dealing with “the tourniquet” aka the band that goes below the belly, cutting off all circulation espcially after 12 p.m.

Here’s the thing that's getting me down or at least it's one of the things. I have been pregnant since August. Of last year. I mean August of 2005. Seriously I got pregnant with LC in August of 2005 and was pregnant until 22 ½ weeks, December 30th 2005.

Then I had three months off from being pregnant but I was pretty busy grieving my dead baby and recovering from a hideous infection. I missed being pregnant because my time with the belly was cut so tragically short.

By April 2006, I was pregnant again, my fifth first trimester. Ugh, the nausea, the exhaustion, the heartburn, the burping only to have that end hideously at 11 weeks on June 30th, 2006. Well it didn’t really end until 5 days later.

The next few months were almost as miserable as after LC. I was coping with such trauma after LC that in some ways I rose to the occasion. After delivering tiny baby boy into my hand in July 2006, I was bitter and angry; that is when I wasn’t smoking weed to take the edge off a near-suicidal rage and depression.

Let’s see after that fun summer I got pregnant again in I guess September was it? Yet another first trimester, my sixth and LAST!!) full of round-the-clock nausea and sheer exhaustion. Oh and the terror, how could I forget that? Oh and two little people to care for while I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there until this is over. Good times.

I’ve been pregnant for a year and a half (with time off for deadbaby expulsion and a start on the mourning) and I’m just halfway to an actual live baby. That’s 53 weeks of being pregnant and no baby unless you count the two in my kitchen cabinet.

By the time this baby is due, I will have been pregnant for 72 weeks. That’s a lot of work for one baby. Holy hormonal rollercoaster. I rarely attribute my foul mood to hormones but I think maybe I should start.

On a lighter note… is transition possible here… the amnio results came back fine. I was SO over the waiting-for-results thing after my weekend of hell, followed graciously by a round of the stomach flu, that I just didn’t have it in me to worry much about the actual amnio results.

Live baby duty calls. This miserable post is the reason that I haven’t been posting. I’m depressed. But I feel like I should be happy.

Oh and yeah no sex this whole pregnancy. Not even personal attitude adjustments are allowed. Maybe I should start eating more chocolate; it's rumored to contain a chemical produced in the brain during orgasm. But the thought of all that fat going straight to my 53-weeks-pregnant ass is just depressing.

Aren't you glad you read this?

10 Comments:

Blogger Sophia said...

i am i got nothing better to do and i'm sorry you're so grumpy

i've been without anti-depressants for two years. it hasn't been pretty

4:10 PM  
Blogger whatthef*ck said...

yeahh. i hear you.

no meds, no alcohol, no drugs, no hot tubs, minimal caffeine. being pregnant pretty much takes care of all my vices and all of my means of self-medicating anxiety and depression. i can't even have sex or work out, not that i am drawn to healthy means of blowing off steam.

i bet i sound like a really good parent.

4:56 PM  
Blogger casey said...

Haven't checked in for a while, so yeah, I'm glad I read this! :) Maybe you could take money saved from buying the chronic and indulge in a massage now and again. It's a luxury (in my opinion) but what else do you have? And I say go for the chocolate. Worry about the effects later. Like when the kids are in college.

(Thought I had food poisoning last night; my OB thinks the nasty flu that's going around. Just glad it's not listeria, right? Either way it sucks. Glad you're over THAT.)

5:07 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

that stomach flu sucked bigtime. i haven't been so sick since... i can't remember.

that is a long ass time to be pregnant. i am sooooo bitter that i had to have even part of 2 first trimesters to get here. so i can only imagine how it must feel to have put in that much time without a live baby.

i am very serious. we need to urge medical science to create a way to start this whole pregnancy thing later, especially if you have had some dead ones. it is only fair that we should start where we left off before.

6:00 PM  
Blogger three minute palaver said...

yeah. I hear you. I really miss warm baths and sex. and you made me realise that if I make it to 38 weeks this time around, that will be 63 weeks preggo trying to have one baby. ouch, that's depressing. hope your mood picks up soon.

6:03 PM  
Blogger whatthef*ck said...

thanks for your comments. i know i am being pretty self-indulgent. a massae is a great suggestion. did schedule a facial and i called my therapist for an appointment.

three minute palaver-i saw your link to jill's blog and read some of it. good lord. sometimes i feel like such an a-hole for not being more grateful for my life. despite the disasters, i am so fortunate to have two beautiful, hilarious kids. and another one on the way. thanks for posting the link. her blog reminded me that i have much to be grateful for and that a positive attitude is always an option. sometimes i am so mired down in my dysfunctional way of thinking that i forget to even consider myself lucky.

as always, thanks for sharing.

7:22 PM  
Blogger AJW5403 said...

I so feel you on this post. When I finally had Gavin I had been pregnant for 67 weeks. I was pregnant from Oct. 2004 until June of 2006 when I finally gave birth to a take home baby. I was tired and I bet you are two. It is hard your body. Please take it easy and rest when you can.

5:41 AM  
Blogger vee said...

My dear, you might be grumpy, but you're still fucking funny!! Yes I'm glad I read this.

And no "personal adjustment" - that's not fair! No chance of it just happening while you're asleep?

6:20 AM  
Blogger delphi said...

Refering to the belly shot above, I say you have more than enough room for chocolate.

Yeah. It is too ugly to count the number of weeks pregnant to live baby. So I won't. People wonder why you are stressed and grumpy...

11:50 AM  
Blogger delphi said...

Okay, so I caved and counted. 76 weeks. So worth it for BB. So wasted for C.

P.S. I avoided the belly band with C. but fell in love with BB, since, as you mention, it is nice to be able to feel your feet for the whole day. I am a belly band convert!

11:53 AM  

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