Sunday, October 01, 2006

Here we go again??

Today is Day 10 or 11 past ovulation so this morning my thoughts turned to EPTs. The age-old question: To test or not to test. I did it. I find that once I start to even consider testing, then it's as good as done.

I couldn't watch but when I looked I saw, barely visible to the naked eye, a second pink line. It's more than barely visible. I was able to see it with the test on the counter and me standing up. You have to be looking for it but it's there.

So here we go again? Unclear. I'll try another one tomorrow.

For me, the problem is not getting pregnant, it's having a baby that lives. I've been pregnant five times and have two kids. Not the worst ratio in town but my two recent losses were big, fat slices of unimaginable hell.

When I am pregnant again I am staring down the road at a pregnancy that will be challenging at best. If I make it out of the first trimester without finding out that my baby died three weeks before, then I'll be getting my cervix stitched up aka cerclage. (Hopefully, my placenta will be positioned so a transabdominal CVS will be possible. If not then I'll have to get stitched up at 12 weeks with a baby that could have a major chromosomal abnormality.)

The cerclage that I had with Little Charlotte's pregnancy, who died in a spectacular disaster at 22 1/2 weeks, gave me the infection that nearly killed both of us. Can't wait to do that again.

I'll be on modified bedrest at least while I count the weeks, hoping that the stitch doesn't attract enough ass germs to kill us both this time. Good times.

I'll certainly take more showers but of course they said that wasn't the reason. Just about everything can kill your baby but when something does, then of course it wasn't anything you did. Whatever.

The chance of infection was about 1%. My perinatalogist aka "Mr. Cerclage" saw one infection like mine in 20 years. That's some cold f*cking comfort.

Some of you have probably wondered why the hell I would do this again when I have two kids already. I have wondered that myself. The short answer is: No, I'm not a Catholic who plans to have as many children as the good lord gives me.

My husband aka Rocket Man and I have long FELT that we would have three children. Three alive ones that is. We couldn't shake the feeling after either of our recent disasters and somehow now i still feel that there is a baby that's comin' our way. We've tried to shake this kid off believe me.

I've always felt like said baby will be a boy but that's another story. Basically, we've thought very long and hard about this and it comes down to... that's what in our hearts. Probably sounds corny but it's true.

Also, one of our few guiding principles in life has been to avoid making decisions out of fear. Fear would and possibly should keep me from trying again but I'm not going to let my fear control me. Fear may be along for the ride but I'm driving bitch! Nuff said.


Blogger Rosepetal said...

I still think you deserve congratulations even if this isn't the part of the pregnancy you've had trouble with in the past. Congratulations for trying again, and congratulations as this is still the first step.

My fingers are crossed for you for the next weeks and months.

11:13 PM  
Blogger Rian said...

I agree that congrats are in order. It is so good to hear that even with what you have been through you are not going to give up on your dream of having three children.

7:54 AM  
Blogger delphi said...

I am going to jump on the bandwagon and offer my congratulations. Hurdle Number One of 560 000. I am a firm believer that EPTs don't lie.

I don't think that you are foolish for choosing to jump into this again. I really think that we always have to go with what our gut is telling us - it is obvious that your gut is telling you that this is what you need to do. Your gut wouldn't be telling you this if it wasn't right for you.

I will quote a wise woman's comment from my blog - try to enjoy every moment of what you have. It's damn hard work to feel any joy (vs. fear), but it is better than the alternative.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Trista said...

It is so hard to consciously choose not to make choices based on fear. It's one of the hardest things you can do. To know what it feels like if this you're doing goes wrong, to know how it strips the flesh off your bones and puts you back together with huge gaps and missing pieces and detritus from the floor, and yet still to walk through...

11:06 AM  
Blogger vee said...

I'd like to add my congrats.

For your ability to "feel the fear and do it anyway", I admire you greatly (and I'm a bit scared for you).

Maybe the alternative (not trying) is even more frightening? And you give me great heart that the journey is worth it.

You ride that bitch like a prize jockey with the devil up her arse. I'm rooting for you to pass that finish line!

12:34 PM  
Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Hi! Thank you so much for visiting my blog and the comments you left, of course I wouldn't rip you a new one! The fact that we all have each other and our sense of self (let alone humour) after all this crap gives me comfort- and I certainly hope that the good thing coming your way really does....

3:16 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Hey, you. Go pee on another stick and tell us what happens. Once I know that, then we'll start on the plan to kick Fear's ass. I got yer back.

By the way, no I don't think you're weird (the way you comment). You are one of the cool people, I'm telling you! Thanks for your comments; it helps to know I'm not the only one with some guilt issues... and I'm not even Rom*n Cath*lic!

Not to mention you and Rocket Man doing your bit to help C&S. I mean, that should earn you some major cosmic brownie points. ;)

7:31 AM  

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