Thursday, October 19, 2006

Good news, bad news

Well the good news, after yesterday’s adventure, is that when I went for an ultrasound… there was good news. No dead baby. The technician announced after an interminable delay, “there’s cardiac activity.” 3 beautiful words. I am only a mere 5 weeks, 6 days pregnant so the tiny fetus is barely as big as a grain of rice. But it has cardiac activity.

When I heard that little heartbeaty type noise, I felt a little teary. I started to feel attached to the little creature. I started to really encourage it to fight. I agreed to fight also. I pleaded a little. I agreed to start loving it if it would just promise to try not to die.

Please don’t die little tiny baby. We've been waiting a long time for you. You have a big sister that spots babies going by in cars and gleefully exclaims, “I saw baby. I saw baby go by!!” Your big brother has endured the loss of three dead siblings and this kid doesn’t miss a thing; he may have suffered as much as I did, it just wasn’t as obvious. When I told him that I was pregnant last time, he said, “I hope our baby doesn’t die.” Then he said, “I’m going to take care of this baby all by myself.”

I have another ultrasound in a week. Unfortunately, I know all too well that after seeing a heartbeat, the chance of miscarriage does not go down to 3%. In dead baby disaster #1, I saw a heartbeat at 7 weeks and then a dead baby at my 10½ week ultrasound. The baby had died shortly after I saw its heartbeat. My uterus didn’t get the memo for three weeks. Hate it.

In dead baby disaster #3, we saw a heartbeat at around 7 weeks again only to find another crumpled up, motionless baby at the 11 week ultrasound. So needless to say, seeing a heartbeat is merely hurdle number 2 with myriad others lined up in a neat row stretching as far as the eye can see.

But it’s a beginning.

Every new beginning is some other beginning’s end. I always liked the line from a song which I can’t remember the name of.

Yesterday during the ultrasound I had a feeling reminiscent of my pregnancy with my daughter; every time I went in for an ultrasound I thought for sure she’d be dead but she was always there, unfazed by the blood clot that was expected to end the pregnancy. Knowing her now, it would’ve taken a nuclear holocaust to bring her down. She is a warrior. I am in awe of her.

Now to the bad news. At least I think it’s bad news but is still haven’t heard from my fancy high-risk pregnancy doctor. Fancy doctor’s partner saw me yesterday and said she and fancy doc and the other partners don’t know much about progesterone in early pregnancy. She said suppositories are worthless and can even be harmful. She said that the progesterone test wasn’t meant to be interpreted in such a way. She said that I could contact an RE on my own. That seems like it could take a long time.

Last night I left message for fancy doc (FD) saying that I would like him to contact his RE colleague and find out whatthef*ck basically. I said that I feel a sense of urgency and that I would like to do whatever is possible to save the pregnancy if in fact it is going south. So now I wait.

Anybody with knowledge of progesterone in early pregnancy, please share your experience.

Before I went to the ultrasound I took off the cute new maternity top that I bought last week. It’s comfortable and nice and roomy so I wear it even though it’s too early for it. I took it off so I wouldn’t feel extra-f*cking-stupid if my baby was dead.

Yes I am wearing maternity clothes at 5 weeks, 6 days. When you’ve been pregnant six times, three in the last year, things happen quickly. And I’ve had multiple c-sections so my excuse for stomach muscles give out as soon as the two pink lines show up.

The belly makes it extra hard to handle the telling people/not telling people issue. (Last time, people were flat-out congratulating me at 10 weeks.) Taking the maternity clothes out for the third time in a year, that’s just … well it defies description. Flashbacks are involved. And trepidation. And big huge sighs.

Maybe I should consider praying.

P.S. As I was leaving the ultrasound, fancy doc's partner said, "I don't want you to worry about this but when you come back next week have the technician check your left ovary. It looks irregular but it could have been a shadow." Comical, really.


Blogger Estelle said...

Good news is always good news. Hopefully it stays good news.
Please don't die little baby.

1:24 PM  
Blogger delphi said...

Good lord, woman, just keep breathing. That's the best advice I could possibly give in this trepidatious time.

Hang on, sweet little one.

3:34 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

As far as how I "knew" it was fine and dandy, they just told me they were happy with my numbers. As far as how I know they were not part of my miscarriage - this was all in the first 4-5 weeks of my pregnancy and it didn't die until 8w2d or something, and it was from triploidy, so the lowering progesterone didn't kill it. Also, if the progesterone had plummeted, I would have seen spotting or bleeding and I never did. So I strongly suspect that my levels stayed dandy throughout. I know from experience that progesterone supplements kept my period from coming, so I know that it was enough to keep me from bleeding throughout my pregnancy.

I don't know if any of that helps. I can answer more questios if you have them. For now, I'll just keep holding you in the light, which is Quaker for "I'm praying for you."

5:34 PM  

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