Thursday, October 05, 2006

I still hate Evil Shadow Pregnancy

Evil Shadow Pregnancy (ESP) thinks that I am avoiding her because she’s pregnant, not because she is EVIL! I spoke with a mutual friend (MF) today and she told me that ESP thinks that I can’t face her growing belly. I can’t face her because I am filled with rage and bitterness that she HAS a growing belly when she was planning to kill her baby if it was a boy. See my earlier post on this for details.

Basically, I saw ESP last week and got away as quickly as possible. I later felt like it’s pretty lame to give her the silent treatment,fifth grade style, without an updated explanation.

Shortly after my most recent deadbaby disaster, I left her a message saying that I couldn’t see her for a while. But the message was all sugar-coated (because I’m a spineless f*cking idiot and I hate when people lash out at me). A few weeks later, I had her over once but I haven’t been able to see her since.

After I left the message saying that I couldn’t see her, ESP asked MF if I was unable to see her because of what she was considering doing to her baby. MF said yes and ESP said that I didn’t know for sure that she was going to do it (terminate the unwanted boy) and that she had been trusting me not to judge her. This woman is my NEIGHBORRRRRR! She is unavoidable ultimately.

I spoke with MF today (this is a few months later) and she said that she thinks ESP is currently under the impression that I am avoiding her because she is pregnant not because of her evil plot. This whole thing is such a big mess and it is eating away at me.

I want to email her and communicate that I’m not avoiding her just because of her belly. I don’t want her to be able to fool herself into thinking that. But how to tell her why I am avoiding her? I know that she will get extremely defensive and then it’ll be really awkward and hostile probably when we run into each other. By emailing her, I could make a bad situation worse.

Here’s what I would say:


I feel like a big phony for pretending that everything was normal when I saw you last week. You probably know that things are not normal. It is very difficult for me to be around you and I am wrecked for a few days afterward each time I see you.

I want you to know that I am not avoiding you just because you are pregnant. I have several pregnant friends and while it is not easy for me to see them, it’s not as painful as seeing you. I’m afraid that this next part is going to make you very angry but I can’t hold onto it any longer. I am filled with rage and bitterness that you got your girl after what you were thinking of doing to your boy. Having lost two babies this year, it seems alittle unfair that you got what you wanted and I didn’t. Sour grapes? You betcha. But it gets worse.

The really sucky part is that after you told me that you were considering terminating, I rehearsed constantly the advice that I wanted to give you. After our baby died, I rehearsed even more. What I would’ve said to you, had you not made it clear that you didn’t want to think about your baby or talk about the situation, is this: If you decide to go through with the termination , then I don’t want you to look back later and ask me why I didn’t say anything. I felt like when you told me of your plans, I had little choice but to not voice any shock or dismay. I felt like you would’ve gotten really mad. After we lost our baby, I really wanted to suggest that, before you terminate, you acknowledge your baby’s presence and apologize. Denying that he had arms and legs and fingers and toes only to suffer the guilt later seemed like the worst way to go. It was hard for me to be silent while you were in your self-described “Zen-like state” of ignoring your baby’s existence.

When you called with the news that you are having a girl, I was shocked. When you said, “I don’t know why I’m not more excited,” I was horrified. I responded, “Well the alternative was a little sobering.” You didn’t reply to that. I thought, “PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t ask me to pretend that everything is all fine now.” That’s the worst thing that can happen here. I can’t be silent about this still.

I don’t know what I need exactly but I know I need one conversation about it at least.
I need you to recognize that it was godawful for me to hear you talk about terminating your pregnancy while I was waiting five days for the bad D&C. And that it was excruciating to hear that you would be continuing your pregnancy now that you were having a girl when I had to pick up another set of ashes from the funeral home.

The worst part was that the awfulness of my situation combined with yours wasn’t acknowledged. I can’t pretend, not about that. I don’t think there’s any chance of recovering our friendship without a conversation about what went on.

End of letter.

I can’t think of how to end it and I don’t want to spend any more time on it right now. If I sent this letter, she would WIG!!!! She is in a very defensive, entitled place and thinks that I have no idea what it’s like to be desperate for a girl. She also thinks that it’s my problem if I can’t deal with her belly.



Blogger delphi said...

Shoot. I don't have any advice (so why are you commenting, you wonder). Well, I had to say that I think that what you wrote makes for a pretty excellent letter. I understand why you can't send it (I couldn't either).

As far as what to do about living next to this woman for time-undetermined, I see one of two things happening. 1) If you blog about it, see a therapist, talk to you friends about it, etc. the situation may lose it's power over you. You may be able to have a superficial relationship without the pain and resentment. ESP would never know how much you were hurt, she'll go on her merry way, and you will have to do all the work. or 2) you may need to talk to ESP and tell her how you feel to get any resolution. She will be angry and she will have to do all the work if she wants to regain your friendship.

Personally, I wouldn't like either option much. I hope someone else can give better ass-vice than me. See, I warned I wasn't going to be any help...

3:10 PM  
Blogger Rian said...

What a crappy situation to be. And (yes I'm gonna judge her). I can't believe she would terminate because of the sex. Anyways. I can understand how hard it is to live next to her and that you will have to see her around. I think delphi was right when she said you have two options. And they both really suck.
I really don't have any good advice either. I'm just sorry that you are having to deal with this crap on top of everything else.

3:20 PM  
Blogger Sophia said...

see i'm a scorpio and many times i don't give a flying banana what people think of me (just ask my partner's co-workers...long story)Worried about her feelings? She doesn't seem to have the capability to care about yours.

So I would write the letter on paper, take a lighter, and stand on her doorstep. You either slip the letter under the door or light it up and drop it in the rain gutter. Either way I hope its a release for you.

10:09 PM  
Blogger vee said...

Scorpio too and my first instinct is - fuck it, just send the letter.

I think you've done an excellent job of explaining how you feel honestly.

Whether you send the letter or not, or get that conversation with her or not, are you really going to be friends again? Yeah you'll have to see her around, but that's going to be true whatever happens.

Because I also hate conflict, I reckon I might just use that lighter though.

I'm sorry this is eating at you and that I haven't anything more useful to say. I hope you figure a way to resolve things, at least to a degree.

4:58 AM  
Blogger Rosepetal said...

I can only tell you what I would do in your situation (and at this point in time). So here's my two cents (probably overvalued at two cents but here they are anyway).

I know you live next to this woman and you will be unable to avoid bumping into her and her baby. It doesn't mean you have to be friends with her if you don't want to. She can just be your neighbour.

On the other hand the anger you feel against her is eating you up. (I have some anger eating me up too). It's worth trying to let it go. So I would send an email but only if you accept that you might not be friends with her after sending it. Personally I wouldn't want to number her among my friends. But I don't know anything about her other than what you've written.

I would send a shorter email. Something like:

Dear ESP,

I'm sending you an email as saying this out loud will make me too emotional.

I heard from MF that you think I don't want to see you because of your growing belly.

Whilst you're right that it's hard for me to see pregnant women because of my previous and recent miscarriages, I do manage it okay with others. It's just seeing you that I find extra hard. I do judge you for wanting to terminate your pregnancy if it was a boy. And that's your choice and I can't do anything about it, but I do not know why you even told me about it when you knew how much I want another baby and I had just lost one. Why did you think terminating your pregnancy just because it was the "wrong" sex was a topic I wanted to even discuss? I have been dwelling on this and getting angrier and angrier about it.

You're my neighbour and I'd like things to be civil between us. Unless we clear the air about what I've mentioned above, I don't think we can be friends.

Do you want to talk about it? I will probably cry if we do talk about it but its the only way to salvage any friendship left.

There you go. I got some anger out myself just writing that and I don't even know you or ESP! Hope I haven't overstepped the mark, but I figure since you asked....

8:22 AM  
Blogger charlotte said...

OK. You asked for it.

You will never, ever be satisfied in any way by this woman. She will never give you what you want. She will never face her own shadows. She will never admit the severity and reality of what she was going to do. Therefor she will always believe what she wants to believe, nomatter what you tell her. Really, nomatter what you say she will return to her own justifying thinking.

And you will never have the friendship you wanted with her. It was a fantasy, and it can't ever really happen.

She is a crazy person. She is not introspective. You will never trust her, and it is difficult to maintain relationships with people you can't trust, can't talk to, and can't be honest with.

So my assvise to you, because you asked for it, it to let go of her. If that means writing a letter, do it. If that means stopping thinking about her, do it. Do whatever you need to do to let go, but don't engage with her or expect anything in return.

Unfortunately you have to see her because she is your neighbor, and your kids will probably go to schools together.

I know what this is like, kinda, minus the pregnancy (as you know), and it sucks ass. But what sucks more ass is how much mental energy this woman takes up for you. Shed her.

10:08 AM  
Blogger whatthef*ck said...

thanks for all the thoughtful comments and advice ladies. after spending 24 hours stewing and even dreaming about her, i think i'm going to just let it go. i'm going to trus that she knows why i can't be around her and that it wouldn't help to try to explain it. she is too crazy and self-centered for our relationship to have lasted anyway. i mean really, talking to me about termination when i've had two dead babies in six months and then acting as if she hadn't been planning to terminate, i.e. "I don't know why I'm not more excited." Ugh. I'm out.

7:19 PM  
Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Far out, I haven't read your old posts but reading that just makes me shake.
Good move, just let her go....

4:20 AM  
Anonymous jenny said...

This woman you speak of is clearly crazy. How can she not realize what a total self-centered twit she is being?

I'm glad you are letting her go, cause really, what a jerk.

5:15 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Cut her loose. You'll never be able to be friends with her, so she's not worth the trouble. Life is too short to try to force relationships into existence. You can be semi-cordial neighbors, but that doesn't mean you have to be bosom-buddies. Big hugs!

7:24 PM  
Blogger charlotte said...

Hey! get another post up already!

11:41 PM  

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