Friday, December 29, 2006

Happy Anniversary to Me

One year ago today, December 28th, is the day I sat down for dinner, got cold, and ended up in the hospital with my doctors telling me that my amniotic fluid was infected with a deadly bacteria and I would have to deliver my baby even though she was too little to live. Happy anniversary to me.

On that shitty day last year, I was exactly three weeks post-cerclage. Today I am three weeks and 1 day post-cerclage. I made it through yesterday, the crucial three-week mark without even realizing that it was the day. I thought it was today.

So here I am one year later with a three week-old cerclage and I just finished eating dinner and I’m not cold at all and it seems there’s a pretty good chance that I won’t end up in the hospital tonight. Tomorrow anything can happen but I feel safe for tonight.

In the weeks before disaster struck out of the blue, the only possible symptom that I clearly remember is a burning, bladder-infectiony type of feeling. It came and went and it was particularly noticeable on the 28th. I was about to call my ex-doctor about it but since I was supposed to see her anyway on the 29th, I shook it off. Turns out I did see her on the 29th but I was in the hospital and she was telling me that my baby was going to have to die.

Anywayyy, I’ve had a similar burning feeling off and on in the last week or two and it was particularly noticeable yesterday. I had my blood and urine drawn on Tuesday and so at least I could look forward to the culture results. They came back today, clean.

So does the bladder-infectiony type feeling mean that I am to come down with another untreatable infection? Only time will tell.

The fun never ends here nor does the suspense. At least I feel like I am going to make it through today.

LC’s birthday/deathday is December 30th. 5:36 p.m. We spent last New Year’s Eve in the babyless dungeon of the hospital in a state of complete and utter fucking shock, body and soul ravaged by the nightmare of the previous four days.

On the night of LC’s birth, the area we live in was also being ravaged, by the biggest flood in 25 years. There was landslide across the street from our house. Thousands of homes and businesses were destroyed. The storm seemed congruent with our personal disaster.

Good times.

I do have this to offer however. I am reading "The Birth House" by Ami McKay. This passage struck me last night.

"You don't gonna cry, neither.
You got to say a prayer instead.
We make our tears into prayers...
not to beg or plead with God,
but to remember the stuff we are made of."

I don't know what this means to me exactly. It does remind me that, even though I am a nervous wreck and I have a bad attitude, I am one tough mo'fo.

I survived the godawful year of the two deadbabydisasters and, occasionally, I am even profoundly grateful for the gifts I've been given.

Happy Goodbye 2006!


Anonymous bri said...

I am glad this day has passed now. I am indeed glad to see the tail end of 2006. In typical me fashion, I realize that I was also incredibly delighted to see the back of 2005, thinking that year was awful. Little did I know. I just ask that we all have a 2007 that we at least aren't rushing to get rid of come end of December next year.

9:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good god woman. You have been through so much.

I wish for you a new year full of an all together different full of poopy diapers, screaming, no sleep, and a plump little sprout to love in those moments between.

12:38 AM  
Anonymous jennifer said...

What a sad and awful anniversary for you. You have been through so much this year that I don't understand why you aren't having the biggest "Goodbye 2006" party. I'm glad things continue to go well with the cerlage. And I hope that 2007 is a year without baby disasters.

6:46 AM  
Blogger delphi said...

One day at a time, that's my motto. Here's to 2007.

11:24 AM  
Blogger Sophia said...

ugh may 2007 be a gazillion times better

7:43 PM  
Blogger three minute palaver said...

I'm glad you'vr survived this anniversary and that this cerclage is working well this time around. Thinking of you and hoping 2007 is a wonderful year in your household.

3:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi WTF, haven't seen you around so much lately. Are you okay?

I am glad the anniversary has gone by. I'm sure you're getting stressed about the level II ultrasound coming up really soon. I hope it gives you only good news.
Thinking of you and wishing that 2007 is a great year for you.

1:05 AM  
Anonymous bri said...

how are you doing?

4:44 PM  

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