Monday, March 19, 2007

Man am I boring

I get annoyed when I check blogs repeatedly only to find no new posts. I even get all, "WTF? How 'bout a new post already?" And here I am commiting the very offense that annoys me. I have no news, nothing exciting, nothing to report really.

I did just have a few PAINFUL contractions but only two and then they stopped. They stopped before I could start to panic. I define painful as: feels like the uterus is being wrung out like a... dishtowel.

That's what it felt like when I was in labor with LC. I'm not saying I think that is happening here NOT AT ALL. NOT EVEN CLOSE.

RM scheduled a massage for me on Thursday, my 37th birthday and my official 28 week milestone. The spa has inquired in the past about whether the pregnancy was high-risk. RM and I were debating about the possible downside of saying no to that question. I called fancy doc's office to investigate and he said no massage. Not because it’s dangerous but because I can’t leave my house.

I am surprised that he is that serious about the bedrest. I am actually not certain what his vision is of my bedresting. I will inquire when I see him on Thursday. After all, it wasn’t really his idea to move from 4 hours of rest to a full day. Who knows, whatever, blah blah.

I think I will get the massage anyway. The spa is five minutes from my house. The masseuse does pre-natal so she’ll know to stay away from my ankles and heel. I’ll be laying down for chrissake. I think that net-net it will be good for my well-being to have a little pampering.

On the other hand, maybe I’ll call a masseuse I know who does housecalls. Don’t want to piss off the gods of pre-term labor. That is just like me to be concerned that a doctor isn’t worried enough and then not listen to him when he restricts me.

Seriously though you all know how cavalier fancy has been. Is he really worried now? When we talked last Tuesday, after the building evacuation, he didn’t seem too concerned and he said to come back in two weeks. My scheduling choices turned out to be 9 days or 2 ½ weeks, so I opted for the 9 days. Hmm. Maybe he didn’t wanting me driving into the city for the appointment. I think he is just not super-worried and feels pretty good about my chances here.

Aren’t you glad I updated with this boring shit? It’s so boring that it bores me too. At this point, however, boring is good.

On Thursday, I’ll be 28 weeks. Now that I am almost there, I don’t feel much safer. It’s still way too early. Survival is not a sure thing. 90% some sites say, others say 90% is at 30 weeks.

Almost reaching 28 weeks feels like I did when my dad was teaching me how to swim. This is SO typical of his parenting style and general approach to life. As I struggled mightily to swim to him, he kept backing up. Yep, that’s right. He kept backing up. To challenge me, I am sure but what he really achieved was creating a sense for me that I would never be good enough and never reach the goal he set for me. Nice huh? This is the same guy who had this approach later on:

“What a B on you report card? What happened?”

“Oh straight A’s, well that’s good but I’ve seen you study. You are cramming for tests, you’re not really learning anything.”

When that wasn’t enough he’d say, “Well I never see you pick up a newspaper. You have no idea what’s going on in the world.”

You get the picture. Naturally I internalized that impossible standard and rarely is anything good enough and I am just as critical of myself as he was of me.

So what’s the point? Oh right. 28 weeks doesn’t feel as good as I thought it would. I can’t really “pat myself on the back” (high praise from my dad). 28 weeks feels like my baby might not even live and if she does it will be a big, fat NICU nightmare especially since I have tiny babies anyway.

I’m sorry if I am bringing anybody down with my shitty attitude. I just posted at sidelines (a bedrest support community) and was reluctant to do so because I often present such a dark cloud of negativity .

Maybe if I give voice to the fear, then it’ll free me up to celebrate reaching this milestone. And it’s my birthday on Thursday/28 week day, for chrissake.

10 Comments:

Blogger Michell said...

Hey, boring news is still good news. Hang in there, every day she stays put is a good thing. Happy birthday and take care of yourself.

7:37 PM  
Anonymous kari said...

i'm glad you've got no news cuz it means nothing bad has happened! fyi, my daughter was born at 32 weeks after contractions and bleeding starting right before 29 weeks. i remember a nurse or someone saying 30 weeks is the magic number when babies have fewer problems due to prematurity. i got steroid shots. have you asked fancy doc about those?

8:25 PM  
Blogger art-sweet said...

Please don't get the massage. You're making me nervous ;-)

11:07 PM  
Blogger K77 said...

Happy upcoming birthday. I'm pleased to hear baby is staying put for now.

5:14 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Well, I am still going to go with he fact that yes, maybe it is 90 percent at 28 weeks, but now it is at 85 percent. Those are GOOD odds. And every day you make it, the beter, as you know. I think you are doing so great, considering the circumstances. I have no idea how you can handle being on your back (or side) all day.

Your cavalier dr. sounds like mine. NOTHING so far has worried her about my pregnancy. And her mantra is "We don't get crazy about that until later." When exactly is later?!? Everything from low blood pressure to thyroid numbers off to green (!) discharge: Nothing concerns her. Maybe they are just calm and we are not?

I agree with the house-call massgae: There are plenty of people who will come to you, and while it isn't the same thing as going to a spa, you won't have any regrets later.

Happy early birthday! I'll be checking in for boring updates!!

5:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for a while. I'm not sure how I found it but I saw these stories from people I know and wanted to share them. There was a baby born in our community last night, here is her story/prayer request:
"Olivia was born sometime last night and weighs 1lb 8oz, we don't know her length as of yet. She was born severely premature, around 26 weeks gestation. I don't know a whole lot of details, but I do know that mom and dad are going to have a very rough few months ahead of them. Olivia will be in the NICU for a minimum of 6-8 weeks, pending she does well."

Here are some comments left and I thought of you:
" its definitely a rough road and ive been there, thankfully my daughter who was born at 29 weeks didnt have any problems except to grow, but the smaller they are the more complications can arise....its tough to leave your child at a hospital everyday and to go visit and leave empty handed....my thoughts and prayers are with the family....oh and we were told by our nicu team and neonate dr that girls do better then boys........"

AND

"Bruce's x-wife had quadruplets 2 years ago and they were born early, 28 weeks gestation. They were all very tiny (around 2lbs each) but were all home after about 8 weeks or so. To see them now you would never know they were born early!!! We will all be praying for you and your new baby. Congratulations!"

I hope it gives you hope on what is to come and to see survival stories.

~Erin

6:46 AM  
Anonymous steph said...

Are you nuts???? Do not go to the spa. You can go to the spa after the baby is born. Get the kids and your dad out of the house for half a day and have the massage at home. You can still have the soothing music and the great oil scents. Just close your eyes and you won't know the difference.

Have a lovely boring day!

6:49 AM  
Blogger lagiulia said...

I think even the most confident person in the world would not necessarily feel overjoyed at the idea of 28 weeks. I mean, I really do think it's great, but no one wants that- we all want to go as long as we can, because we know that 1 day in the womb = 2 days in the NICU. But I am still going to congratulate you for getting this far, because yes the survival rate is really very good.

I don't like the sound of the massage. And if you ARE going to do it anyway, please please tell them you're high risk. Don't they need to know that in order to decide how to massage you? Bed rest sucks ass, but in my personal experience and opinion, the NICU sucks a billion times more. Sorry for the tough love, WTF. Hope you find a way to feel pampered, though. I agree that it's important.

8:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

DO NOT GET THE MASSAGE!! I really don't understand why you would feel this is necessary. Yeah, it would probably be ok but do you really want to take the chance? Bed rest sucks. I know, I was on strict bedrest for 14 weeks with my last pregnancy. I delivered a healthy, fullterm baby boy as a result.

12:05 PM  
Anonymous vee said...

What you need is Bloglines, or something similar. Subscribe to the RSS feed of all your favourite blogs, then just log into your Bloglines account and it will tell you which blogs have new posts on for you to read!
No, I'm not on commission, but I think it's a fantastic thing and I couldn't keep that to myself, could I?

2:38 AM  

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