Monday, October 30, 2006

I can’t believe that I am doing this again

I said I would never do this again. Actually I think I said, “NO F*CKING WAY AM I EVER GOING TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN. I WILL NEVER PUT MYSELF IN A POSITION TO SEE A DEAD BABY ON AN ULTRASOUND AGAIN. NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRR!! WHY THE F*CKING HELL WOULD I DO THIS AGAIN??? WHY WOULD I PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS SHIT???

Tomorrow I have an ultrasound. 1 p.m.

I’m doing it again. On Halloween, no less. Why, oh why, did I schedule it for Halloween? Is it not enough that deadbabydisasters have already ruined Christmas, Fourth of July/my wedding anniversary, and my son’s birthday? Oh and I forgot New Year’s Eve. This past year I spent NYE in the babyless dungeon of the hospital, reeling from the shock of the last four days, not really believing that I came in with a fever and then my perfectly healthy baby ended up in the morgue. I was at home eating some f*cking goulash and then I got cold. I digress.

I have learned the hard way to NEVER EVER schedule an ultrasound on a Friday. Thursday may not even be safe. But have I not learned to avoid holidays? What if I have to take my kids trick-or-treating with a dead baby in me. It’s not like they won’t notice if I stay home (with my bong). My son is five for Christsake. Halloween is like Christmas for him but with CANDY and a Batman costume.

Perhaps I am being a bit negative here. I said I wouldn’t do that. I am doing it. Calgon take me away.

I wish they could do the ultrasound without me. If I have to live through another ultrasound moment where nobody says anything and I open my eyes to see that look on people’s faces… I don’t know what I’ll do. I will go on record now saying that if this pregnancy ends badly I am done, done, done. More done, done, done than last time. Really done.

Tomorrow. 1 p.m.

By the way, is good news boring? Am I only interesting when I rant and rave? I am a little disappointed that my good news/blood test results went largely unnoticed in the blogosphere. (Maybe I am not commenting on other people's blogs enough?) Like it or not, I am counting on you good people to be my virtual handholders during this process. Even if it goes well.

13 Comments:

Blogger Rosepetal said...

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and looking forward to another boring update. That was a joke by the way - the bit about it being boring.

2:19 PM  
Anonymous Cariboo Ponderer said...

I am so sorry you have had such a terrible time. Frankly I don't know what to say to you. I understand that you feel angry.

I will be thinking of you tommorrow, I have made a note to myself for 1pm.

2:22 PM  
Blogger whatthef*ck said...

i get the joke rosepetal, no worries there. :)

how cool is it that a woman snowed-under in canada is pulling for me. so glad you de-lurked. saying that you "don't know what to say," that feels like something. thank you.

2:48 PM  
Anonymous Round is Funny said...

Tomorrow, 1 pm. Holding your hand, at least virtually. Holding my breath for good news.

3:33 PM  
Anonymous jenny said...

I'm reading!! I am just bad at commenting unless I think I have something witty or educational to add. I've got my fingers crossed for a good ultrasound. I have had my share of scary bad ultrasounds.

4:21 PM  
Blogger Mama2BandT said...

I've definitely gotten the reminder...we definitely need to comment more...I do check your blog frequently (hoping for good news by the way). I will definitely be sending out good vibes at 1p tomorrow. Hope you or dos mamas might be able to let us know what's going on...maybe you should do something bright and shocking for tomorrow's entry when you see that strong, healthy heartbeat (maybe a bright pink entry?)
I do agree w/ the earlier comment I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing or being annoyingly perky, 'been told i do that sometimes.

5:51 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I will be thinking of you tomorrow as well :)

8:48 PM  
Blogger Sophia said...

Hoping and praying and reserving halloween candies for you!

8:55 PM  
Blogger AJW5403 said...

Good luck today I have my fingers crossed for you.

3:33 AM  
Blogger Catherine said...

I hope everything goes well for you and Sprout.

(I don't comment much these days anywhere because I just don't have the emotional energy for it. I apologize.)

6:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wanted you to know that I'll be thinking about you and praying you have a great ultrasound today.

6:34 AM  
Blogger Married Lesbian Mom said...

I hope that all goes great and that you are totally calm and at peace with whatever happens....I will be thinking of you...Actually you are probably there now. (((HUGS))) and holding your hand.

9:59 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Crap! This'll teach me to drop off te face of the earth for a week, and then try to catch up. I need to stop commenting, so I can keep reading and get caught up! :P

9:41 AM  

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