Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Alive and kicking!

Jesus H. Christ what an emotional rollercoaster. Our baby looks great. I was TERRIFIED, afraid to look and see a crumpled-up baby, afraid to close my eyes and hear nobody saying anything only to open them to see “that look” on a doctor’s face.

I looked and saw a creature resembling a baby who was kicking its legs and wiggling around. It was really, genuinely cute! I started to cry and didn’t stop (okay I took short breaks) for a good hour. The RELIEF and joy are indescribable. I don’t think I even realized how worried and afraid I have been. I SO did not want to figure out how to tell my five-year-old son that our baby died for the third time (knowing myself that it would be OVER-no more pregnancies, no more torture.) I so did not want to go through another deadbabynightmare. I so did not want to get sloppy drunk at Thanksgiving because I am full of grief and bitterness. I did not want Christmas to be ruined again, by the taint of another pregnancy that ends disastrously. There are so many awful things that I did not want to be set in motion today and none of them happened. I walked back out of that place with tears of joy streaming down my snotty face.

It is such a gorgeous day here and I cried all the way from my appointment. I cried when we got home because I think maybe someday we can bring this baby home in a carseat instead of a little box of ashes. Maybe I won’t have to move my maternity clothes out of my drawers for the third time in a year. Maybe we will bring home a live baby to this house that we only moved into 18 months ago. Maybe I’ll get to feel this baby kick me. It seems possible now and I cried because that is scary and because it is possible.

I cried because my baby is ALIVE.

I can’t thank you enough for your messages, curse words, good vibes, prayers, worries, and love. At the risk of sounding corny, I feel all of you with me. I so appreciate it. Thanks for riding the rollercoaster with me. It’s a little less terrifying because I’m less alone this time. I'm so grateful for each of you.

P.S. The spotting has tapered off to a brown-tinged discharge. After I started cramping yesterday, Rocket Man came home and I was practically immobile for the rest of the day. By bedtime, the spotting had almost stopped. The doctor was reassured by it being brown and not red. No evidence of a blood clot like with my daughter. It's probably time to try not to lug my 25-lb maniac of a daughter around so much.
Maybe I should lay off the housework too. As if.

37 Comments:

Blogger bleu said...

I have been sitting here hitting refresh and trying to will it to be good news. I am so happy for you.

BLEU

3:09 PM  
Blogger charlotte said...

I am so happy, and getting attached to Sprout more and more each day. And I can't tell you how wonderful it was to her you sob today with joy instead of utter devastation.

3:21 PM  
Blogger WendyChymes said...

That is so wonderful, I was holding my breath as I clicked on your link. I wanted to leave you some words of encouragement last night, but was afraid of my clumsy attempts at hopefullness, sounding silly and upsetting you further. I was going to tell you that in oct 2004 I had a bit of spotting and cramping at 7 weeks ( as soon as i got off a flight from NY - Orlando ) and was terrified that I was going to lose the pregnancy, but thankfully it tapered off, and I ended up having a perfect, almost 10 lb baby girl, 7 months later. I am so hopeful for the same for you. I so want to see some people who truly deserve a happy ending/beginning, to finally get one!

3:26 PM  
Blogger Grrlscout said...

Jesus. I have been almost afraid of your blog today. I worried that the lack of posting was a bad sign.

I am so so happy that you got good news today. You deserve it.

3:29 PM  
Blogger Co said...

I am so relieved to hear your news. Still sending you and the Sprout mega-good vibes.

Glad you had a good cry, as well. It was probably necessary given everything you must have been feeling leading up to the u/s.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

I've been checking your blog all day and I'm so so happy that it's good news!!! Yay Sprout, keep kickin'!

4:07 PM  
Anonymous Round is Funny said...

Yeah baby!!!

4:17 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

YAHOO!!!! YIPPPEEEEE!!! I can't tell you how relieved I am. I have seriously been thinking of you all day and am so, so relieved. Oh, thank God everything is OK. I am so happy for you.

4:30 PM  
Anonymous ~ danielle said...

whoot!!!! I've been waiting for a new post from you to come up on bloglines. I'm SO relieved that it's good news. And yes... put the 25lb kiddo DOWN! Heather threw out her back when she was pregnant with Ms. Baby by lugging our 4 yo around after I told her a trillion times to cut the crap. So cut the crap!!! :-) And take it easy... when you can of course. So glad sprout is still hanging out in there, heart beating.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Sophia said...

go Sprout!

I can breathe now

4:49 PM  
Blogger delphi said...

Thank god. I was checking fanatically. So, YEAH. you did feel us with you!

5:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BIG EXHALE!!! Yay sprout! What a relief. I have been checking all day. Just fantastic.

5:40 PM  
Blogger casey said...

Great news! Keep it up (and to hell with the housework).

5:51 PM  
Blogger lagiulia said...

Oh thank goodness!!! I'm just so happy for you all.
And lay off that housework, woman! Geez.

6:03 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

YAY!!!!!!!

7:09 PM  
Blogger J said...

Such good news! Yes, you ought not carry anything over 15 lbs. I'm a Licensed Massage Therapist with national certification and I ORDER YOU TO CEASE PICKING UP AND/OR CARRYING LITTLE PEOPLE AND STOP CLEANING NOW! LMAO and sending you clear discharge vibes...

8:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I missed your blog yesterday and I'm glad I did. I would have been a wreck today waiting for your post. I'm happy that all is well. How far along are you now?

9:41 PM  
Blogger Trista said...

SO RELIEVED. Now I can rest.

12:25 AM  
Blogger vee said...

Thank fuck for that!
I was scared to look here this morning, but the news couldn't be better. I shed a little tear too. I'm REALLY happy it's all looking good with the Sprout!

1:21 AM  
Anonymous jenny said...

Hallelujah! I was so worried. And yes, quit picking up heavy things!

4:54 AM  
Anonymous steph said...

Doesn't it feel great to have a good cry? I haven't had one of those in quite some time. How cleansing. Now be happy for a while. Avoid thinking about sad crap and play with your kids and buy a soft blanket for Sprout! Have your husband rearrange some furniture. Go to Bodyworks if you have one and get an oil burner with Satsuma oil. Instant mood booster and it makes your house smell fabulous which makes it seem like you just cleaned.

7:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whew, thank goodness!

8:24 AM  
Blogger Married Lesbian Mom said...

I am so happy for you. I checked your blog a thousand times to see what was going on. I am crying for you! Tears of happiness too! Tell Sprout we are all pulling for him/her. (((HUGS)))

8:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SO THRILLED!
wooo hooooo!!!

11:14 AM  
Blogger J said...

This is such good news. Excellent!!

12:28 PM  
Anonymous Pronoia said...

YAY!!!!

1:41 PM  
Anonymous Proud to be mom said...

Hey that is some great news to hear im very happy for you!!!! I almost thought that would happen to me.

3:00 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

THANK GOODNESS. May you and Sprout have nothing but happy times together going forward. No more scary spotting. No more lifting and cleaning! Whew. So happy for you.

3:38 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I'm very very glad your baby is fine! Hooray!:)

5:29 PM  
Blogger AJW5403 said...

I did not see you post until today and I am so happy that all is will with Sprout. Take it easy.

4:42 AM  
Anonymous L said...

ok,ok i will comment - you're a pain in my ass, making me participate - i hate participating. but for you i will do anything :) i'm so happy for you and your whole family including sprout!! its like a soap opera watching this blog thing waiting and waiting..... as if i don't have enough anxiety! r u trying to kill me? luv you - ya jerk

9:45 AM  
Blogger Rian said...

I am so happy that all is well!!

10:53 AM  
Blogger mermaidgrrrl said...

Go baby go! I'm so glad that everything looks great and the pregnancy is healthy. Yay! I agree with others that you shouldn't be carrying anything at the moment and try to rest as much as humanly possible. Expectant mummies need to look after themselves you know!

5:04 PM  
Blogger Emma's Mum said...

Thank goodness! So sorry you had that scare.....

8:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just want to tell you what an inspiration you have been. I just have 2 biological sons and 3 step chilren the youngest being 17. After years of thinking I was not going to have anymore chilren we found ourselfs pregnant only to lose her at 6 wks and 2 days.I have my own blog but i think it might be time. Thank you and good luck to you and your family.

7:53 AM  
Blogger Rosepetal said...

I have been away and am just catching up to see that you have taken another ride on the loop-the-loop rollercoaster. So glad that Sprout is still okay.

12:57 PM  
Blogger kateandjona said...

HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!

8:10 PM  

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