Thursday, November 02, 2006

Today I'm tired of the bullshit

I finally did it. I sent a response to my awful cousin who emailed to me “I was very sorry to hear about the latest miss.” I had not responded to her email because I couldn’t figure out what to say. Also I am a big wimp and I didn’t want to upset her. I find that is a pattern in my life in general and particularly on the topic of deadbabyinsensitivity. I hold grudges and think of things to say that never get said. Today I was ready for some action. The family fallout may be spectacular but I don’t care.

I also emailed a friend who never called me back when my husband told her what happened with LC. I saw her recently because her second daughter started at my son’s preschool in September. She said she didn’t call because she was pregnant and it would’ve been “AWKWARD” to talk to me.


Was it not awkward to see me again while she was holding her baby who was born when LC was due? She could’ve emailed for Christsake. Would that have been so awkward? Holy friendship-not-worth-saving.

Today I was partly inspired by all of us who’ve suffered such indignities after losing our babies. What the hell is wrong with these people and why are we protecting them at our own expense?

Here’s the real email that I just sent.

Hi ___,
Sorry it's taken me so long to respond to your condolence. It was kind of you to think of me especially at such a busy time. I hope that the planning for ____'s wedding is going well.

I have been thinking a lot about how to respond to your email. Like I said, it was really nice of you to say anything at all and I do appreciate it. It's just that hearing the loss of my precious babies described as "the latest miss" kind of threw me. My mom used that term once and I just tried to pretend to myself that I didn't hear her right. I should have been more upfront with her.

I will feel bad about giving you a hard time about it, it's just that it's hard to hear my recent loss described in such a way. Charlotte's death at 22 weeks was a premature birth, not a miscarriage. We dressed her and took pictures and held her for many hours. I know that there is no way for you to know that and again I am sorry if my email makes you mad. I've kept silent about so many things that have been said to me or not said that it is eating away at me.

My "latest miss" was a little boy and I delivered him into the palm of my hand. His ashes are in the cabinet next to his big sister's. "Miss" just sounds so awful. Oops I had another dead baby. Oops my heart is broken again, as I live through another nightmare and pick up another tiny box of ashes from the funeral home. If "miss" is just an abbreviation, then it's the worst one I've ever heard. On behalf of women everywhere who've withstood such awful losses, I hope that you'll retire that term.

I have been reluctant since September to send this email because I am afraid it'll make you mad. That's why I haven't responded. Once you'll read this, you may wish that I hadn't. Like I said, I really appreciate that you emailed at all and I appreciated the card that you sent after LC died. I know you mean well. I just hope that nobody else ever hears that term again.



Blogger charlotte said...


Holy. I am so impressed. I am actually crying.

The email was kind and blunt, and real.

Asking her to retire the term on behalf of all women!! Hah. And who cares what your narcissistic mother says anyway.

You are brave.

That is one of the many reasons I love you.

5:19 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

If she really was offering you support, then she will appreciate this thoughtful and honest email. Whatever the case, I admire how direct and honest you were with her about how you feel. I think too often we leave such things unsaid, to nobody's benefit.

7:03 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Perfectly written.

7:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog. I've never had a miscarriage. I do know what it's like to have someone close lose a baby. I also didn't really know what to say. I felt that anything I said would be completely retarded. I gave her a hug, and told her we were here for her. Even that felt inadequate.

8:18 PM  
Blogger delphi said...

Wow. That was really a great letter. If your cousin has any clue at all (debatable), I would imagine that she will see that *she* was totally in the wrong, and that you are offering her a kindness by correcting her. In a very inappropriate analogy, like telling her that her fly is open. Only on a completely different level.

Personally, if I was walking around calling a child with autism "a retard" I would want someone to correct me. Horrible terms like "miss" or "retard" need to be retired. And the only way that will ever happen is if we educate as we go along. And the people that we educate will never know how painful it was for us, since they will have to deal with their own embarrassment.

Am I making any sense? My point is this: you wrote a GREAT letter.

8:20 PM  
Blogger Rosepetal said...

This isn't how I speak in real life but it just seems appropriate for this post:


1:47 AM  
Anonymous bri said...


6:03 AM  
Anonymous Round is Funny said...

Wow. Good for you.

6:54 AM  
Blogger Married Lesbian Mom said...

All I can say is have educated so many people on how a person feels after they lose a baby. I hope all goes well with Sprout and I will keep reading you daily. Thank you for being REAL.

10:29 AM  
Anonymous jenny said...

Great letter, like folks have said already, if she really cares about the situation she should understand what you are tring to say and not get defensive.

Really well said.

10:38 AM  
Blogger kate said...

great letter!

10:27 AM  

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