Paging Dr. Freud

I had the whale dream again. I have recurring whale dreams and recurring I’m back in college and nothing makes any sense dreams. Last night I had them mixed together. I was back in college and a friend noticed that I was pregnant. Then I’m heading south on the Garden St*te P*rkway but the road is blocked by logs. I look over to the ocean and see what turns out to be a huge all-black whale leaping out of the water. It leaps around and nearly beaches itself but returns safely to the water. At this point in the dream, I’ve started to consider having an abortion because I’m in college and am not set up at all for a baby. I decide to head back to school to consider my options. My son appears and cries, “But I want a little brother.” I was considering my options when I woke up.

Whatthef*ck? Truth be told, I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. First trimesters are exhausting and hormonal and nauseating to the point where nothing makes any sense anymore. First trimesters while caring full-time for two little maniacs are extra-exhausting and hormonal and nauseating. And this is my THIRD TIME doing a first trimester while caring full-time for two little maniacs. It’s enough to make a girl question her sanity. As if.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell we are doing? Why am I putting myself and my family through this again? What if the baby turns out to have some major neurological issue that can’t be diagnosed in utero? What if a third child puts us over the edge as a family or couple or as individuals? What if I wasn’t supposed to do this?

So last night’s dream is interesting to me in the context of my present state of feeling overwhelmed. What does it mean? I have no f*cking clue. If anybody wants to take a shot at it, I suggest the format, “If it were my dream….” If nobody would touch it with a ten-foot pole, I understand. I’m not going there. It is merely grist for the mill.

Now I’m off to trim and shower so I’ll have “bush confidence” for the exam that will follow the ultrasound, if the baby is alive. I’ve started watching “Th* L Word” because I need a new series in my life. I like the new things that I’ve learned such as “bush confidence,” but I have to say that I am disappointed in the first few episodes.

My first clue that the show is unrealistic (I hate unrealistic masquerading as realistic): a lesbian couple find out that their donated sperm has no motility, after 6 months of insemination (wouldn’t it have been tested earlier, but that’s not the really puzzling part), so they decide to find somebody else ASAP because they have 2-3 days to get that egg fertilized. So not only does the egg live for 2-3 DAYS on this show but the couple is endeavoring to find a new donor and inseminate within 48 hours? Hellooooo? Who is writing this stuff? A bunch of dudes?

And then JB sends a new donor to meet her partner and go to the cryobank and he shows up and JB has not mentioned to her that he is African-American? Helloooo? Wouldn’t that have been discussed? Wouldn’t they have discussed EVERYTHING that is known about possible donor and speculated about everything that is unknown that they can think of to speculate about?

Then they almost spontaneously have an insemination/threesome with a guy they just met? No testing for STDs? Okay maybe I should lighten up but why not make the show realistic? Harrumph.