Thursday, November 09, 2006

This post will self-destruct in 24 hours

I did it. I emailed Evil Shadow Pregnancy. I am sick of carrying this business around with me and I don't care anymore what happens from her end. There is nothing to lose here. I think I'll delete this post soon because of concerns regarding privacy violations. It's so LONG, I know but I could've said more that's for sure.

_____,

Time for me to get this off my chest. I have spent many, many hours on the situation between us, many of them in the middle of the night. I am prompted to contact you because I feel bad about giving you the silent treatment, fifth-grade-style. The last time I saw you, at ____'s house, my uncontrollable impulse was to get away as quickly as possible. I was able to be fake when I had seen you previously but now I just want to run. I am not proud of treating you and your family this way so the time has come for me to speak my peace. I would’ve done this sooner but I assumed that you would not want to hear what I have to say.

When you first told me about your pregnancy and your plans to possibly terminate, I felt for you and the difficult situation that you were in. That’s not to say that I wasn’t shocked since last I heard you had some ethical issues about doing micros*rt, but I felt for you because you were obviously really struggling. As time went by, I started to feel bad about not being more honest with you. I didn’t want to be the friend that didn’t speak up in case you were looking for approval or if you were later tortured by your decision. Having lost three babies, I know all too well that it doesn’t end with the D&C; that’s just the beginning of living the rest of one’s life with the memory of a dead baby and the godawful process of ending the pregnancy. I really wanted to talk to you about that and I spent a TREMENDOUS amount of time trying to think of what I would say and how I would say it. In response to my phone message saying that I really wanted a chance to talk to you, you made it clear that you didn’t want to talk about it and that you were happy in your “Zen-like state”of denial. This is where I started to have more trouble with the situation. The advice that I so desperately wanted to give you was this: If you are going to terminate, rather than denying the baby’s physical presence, I would recommend acknowledging his presence and apologizing for your inability to bring him into this world. I was afraid for you that if you managed to get through the D&E that you would then be tortured by your decision for the rest of your life. I thought there was a way to acknowledge and apologize that would make things easier for you. The acknowledgement would also come in handy should the baby turn out to be a girl. Then you wouldn’t have to live with the awkwardness and guilt of suddenly accepting a previously rejected baby. I wanted to help you. I have three graduate degrees in psychology; it isn’t in my nature to not try to help a friend work through some shit. I wanted to help.

That’s where I was at when we discovered our dead baby. I know you did not appreciate receiving my graphic email about the unimaginable hell that I had just been through. Part of the reason I sent it was because I would’ve told you anyway and the other part was because I think it was important for you to acknowledge that your baby existed and had a body and eyes and fingers and toes. That was my only opportunity to nudge you into an acknowledgement that I thought was important. Maybe you thought that it wasn’t my place to tell you what was important but did you really expect me to just say and do nothing about your dilemma? It was an awkward position for me to be in even before our baby died. And like I said I was trying to help. I wasn’t saying you shouldn’t do it. I was trying to help you do it in a way that you’d be able to live with. I don’t think it’s reasonable to tell somebody something like that and expect that they will just agree with you no matter what. That would be a bullshit relationship and I’ve never done well in those.

After my traumatic delivery of the baby and fully conscious D&C, I was a WRECK. I mean like couldn’t take care of my kids, staring at nothing for hours, post-traumatic stress flashbacks, insomnia, bitterness and rage, soul-searching, WHY, WHY, WHY and how-the-fuck-did-this-happen-to-me WRECK. This six months, to the DAY and HOUR, after the NIGHTMARE of losing _____? I was a very tormented, bitter and angry woman, wondering what I had done to deserve my three dead babies?

The day I found out that our baby was a boy was the day you called with your news. It hit me like a baseball bat in the face. It simply hadn’t occurred to me that you would get what you wanted and felt you were entitled to. The worst part was when you said, “I don’t know why I’m not more excited” to which I replied, “Well, the alternative was a little sobering.” Then I thought, “PLEASE, OH PLEASE DO NOT MAKE ME PRETEND THAT NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. I CAN’T DO IT.” I couldn’t deal with any more lack of acknowledgement of how hard it was for me to listen to your plans and now your revised plans when I had another dead baby ordeal to survive. I told you that my baby had turned out to be the boy that I had been hoping for. No acknowledgment of how much that sucked for me..

That was where you stopped being a friend and started being a person that I was TERRIFIED of seeing. I lost so much sleep over the situation. I wondered why you got what you wanted after what you were considering and I got another set of ashes to pick up from the funeral home? Like I said I was bitter and angry at the whole world; there was no way that you were going to be spared when you never even acknowledged the awfulness of our juxtaposed situations.

After that I became so afraid of seeing you. I was an extra big wreck whenever I ran into you, for DAYS afterwards. I never felt like I should try to talk to you because my efforts had previously failed and I got the distinct impression that you weren’t going to be reminded of what you had already probably buried. I faked it when I saw you and got away as quickly as possible. I have been tormented by this since June. I’ve spent 100 hours probably thinking about various aspects of this situation. I am releasing it today because I can’t drag it around with me anymore.

I resisted doing this because I thought at least things would be civil between us if I didn’t bring it up. But the last time I saw you I just couldn’t deal. You’ve become this big, scary person in my mind and I can’t even talk to you to make you human again, the friend that I used to have. I imagine that you’ll get very upset and mad about this and will resent that I had the nerve to bring it up. Maybe I am underestimating you.

I am sorry again for ignoring you and ___ and the kids. I feel like a jerk about it. I think I’ve said most of what I needed to say. I considered trying to talk to you in person and I am open to talking if you want to. Email seems safer for now.

_____

9 Comments:

Blogger Estelle said...

Very honest, to the point, and kind. I know if *I* were you I could not have mustered up the strength/tact/whatever to do that.
I think it's a great letter. Hopefully she takes it to heart.

1:11 PM  
Blogger Trista said...

Wow. Brave. I commend you. I really, really do.

1:19 PM  
Blogger charlotte said...

I am surprised by how nice you were. It is a great letter and I can't wait to see how she responds. You forgot to mention the whole email incident though. You have to include that in a later post. You are on a roll like I have never seen...being honest with people all over the place. It's awesome. It is taking a giant step towards being truly happy, I think. Towards being authentic and living. I don't think it is a coincidence that you are doing this while pregnant. Pregnancy hormones just agree with you - thay seem to always make you less depressed. Now you have grown giant cajones.

3:01 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Great letter... Can't wait to see her response.

6:19 PM  
Blogger whatthef*ck said...

me too, aj.

8:02 PM  
Blogger Grrlscout said...

When you have something eating away at you like that, its always so good to write it out. And on some level, that's the most important part- it doesn't really matter how she reacts, you are being true to yourself. (Although of course we all want to see how she reacts.)

Kudos to you.

8:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I think that letter was amazing. It was so straight forward and honest but still nice at the same time. Congrats on being able to write this and I hope it helps the relationship.

7:10 AM  
Blogger Married Lesbian Mom said...

I really applaud your honesty. You did the right thing for you in the end. Congrats on releasing that anger and anxiety. I can't wait to see how she responds and I hope it is with compassion and honesty.

7:45 AM  
Anonymous bri said...

You are so brave.

8:09 AM  

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