Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Deep breath

I've been away and been grateful for the distraction the change of scenery provided. Now I'm back, just in time for the CVS today at 11:15. Naturally I am singing the same old tune and that is one of being panic-stricken. Oh how I wish I could have a different frame of mind but that is just not available. Fear of the deadbabyultrasound is in my cells. It's part of who I am.

The second deadbabyultrasound shock was the one that really did me in. And it was so recent that I can think of nothing else today. On the bright side, I am hopeful that those of you innocents who read this will not be infected by deadbabyterror merely because you've read this. I think, and hope, that it has to happen to you for the fear to really take hold of you. I HATE the idea that I am IN ANY WAY spoiling the pregnancies of people who have read this blog.

Shortly I will leave for my appointment. Foremost on my mind is getting through the moment when the baby is either alive or dead. I so fear that moment.

If we get through that moment, then I will get a good look at the baby and I will ask the technician how the neck fold and other measurements are looking. We aren't doing the NT u/s but I am hoping to get a little information anyway.

Once the u/s and CVS are over, then we wait. I go home and wait to see if the CVS will cause a miscarriage, as it does in 1 of 200 cases. I think we are in the clear after 48 hours. I will inquire about what can go wrong post-CVS and how you know it is going wrong.

After we clear the danger zone then we wait for the news of genetic health. Having not experienced bad news from a genetic test, I am aware of the possibility of a bad result but I don't fear it with every ounce of my being. Hey, I think I caught a break there.

One step at a time here. First, shower. Then, drive. Then, hold my breath until we see a heartbeat.

Thanks in advance for your encouragement. I am glad to know that people are thinking postitively on my behalf. At least somebody is thinking positively and I really do mean that. I want to do it but I find that I just can't.

12 Comments:

Blogger vee said...

Hey, I'm sending this by way of a (minor) distraction, on the offchance that you get to read it before heading off.

I am sending my best good luck and happiness vibes your way for this next step. They have a long way to go, because I'm here in the UK, but don't fret - they travel instantaneously!

I've not been what you've been through, but I can totally see why positive thinking may have left your building. Leave the positive thinking to us and concentrate on the breathing!!!

Good luck!

10:33 AM  
Anonymous bri said...

I agree - I don't think pregnant people reading this can really be infected with the terror unless they have been through it. I know what it was like to be scared that something would go wrong before it actually did. I read a lot of horror stories. I thought I knew that fear. But I didn't. You just can't know that terror until you've been through it. And I am currently only imagining what the terror will feel like. And previewing it through you and 2-3 other pregnant friends. I dream about that deadbabyultrasound and the possibility of it happening in the future. It is inescapable.

I so hope you never ever ever have that moment ever ever again. I will be thinking of you today. I am very interested to hear about what the CVS is like so do give us an update. All my best to you.

11:00 AM  
Anonymous steph said...

Good Luck - I'm holding my breath too.

11:29 AM  
Anonymous Pronoia said...

(o)

11:42 AM  
Blogger Rosepetal said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Rosepetal said...

(sorry, my comment screw-up above)

I don't think you should worry about innocent people reading your blog. It happened to you - it's not a fictional story. If it frightens someone then they can always read something else. That's free choice.

There are plenty of terrible things reported on the daily news every day. Like you said, this is the place you can say what you are feeling, there is no need to censor it to make it more "palatable".

I'm thinking of you for your CVS.

12:36 PM  
Anonymous Tessy said...

I hope all goes well!

Out of curiosity, is there a particular reason you've decided to have the cvs done?

12:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for thinking of others, but this blog is for YOUR outlet and healing. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. Go Sprout Go! My thoughts are with you today! -vic

2:28 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Good luck and get lots of rest this evening!

2:35 PM  
Blogger delphi said...

Tuesdays!

Waiting with baited breath, feeling good vibes and sending them your way...

3:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ESP sure did a number on you didn't she? Sharing your story and your feelings could NOT "spoil" anybody's pregnancy. So stop that. (said with love by the way)

Thinking of you and Sprout today.

7:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, you've gotta catch a break wherever you can!

3:42 AM  

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