Sunday, November 19, 2006

Tuesday’s coming. Must be time for more drama.

Tuesday is officially baby drama day. Not to make light of it because Tuesday is really hideously scary, holding my breath, watching three deadbabydisasters flash before my eyes, NEVER going to do this again day. Tuesday is also my day off from the kids, the living ones, that is. That’s why I schedule my appointments on Tuesday. I’ll never take my kids with me again to an ultrasound just in case my baby turns out to be dead. Been there, not going back.

On Tuesday I have an appointment with fancy doc, the high-risk perinatalogist who is my sole OB/GYN provider at this point. I will have my incompetently-behaved cervix checked for early signs of more bad behavior and then we’ll do an ultrasound. Scratch that. WTF am I saying???????? We will do the ultrasound first. Never, ever again will I spend any length of time discussing my pregnancy, cerclage, BIRTH?!, whatever only to find that we really need to be discussing scheduling a D&C. I will never again put myself in a position to hear fancy doc say, after a TWO-HOUR (or 10-minute) discussion of the game plan, “Let’s just have a quick look” only to be shocked beyond ordinary comprehension by a motionless, crumpled baby, at 11 weeks. We’ll do the ultrasound first, right there, no waiting for a bone-headed technician to ask if this is my first baby.

On Tuesday I will be 10 weeks, 5 days which is 1 measly day past where our last baby died on us. 10 ½ weeks is my second and last 1st trimester deadbabydisaster milestone/hurdle that needs to be left behind. After we get past this one (I had to resist adding an “if” back there) then it’s on to the CVS and then the cerclage and then the 22 ½ week hurdle, then the point where a baby could live if delivered immediately because I get another deadly infection. I digress.

Backing up a little, every ultrasound gives me fresh hope that we’ll be expecting a baby in June. On Tuesday it will be a huge relief, once again, to see a live and kicking little tyke. The 10 ½ week hurdle will be behind us and I can fly off for Thanksgiving knowing that my baby was alive at 10 w, 5 d. I will try not to think about the possibility that its heart could stop beating right after the ultrasound. Believe it or not, I am trying to have a positive attitude about all this. Scary that this is me actually trying to have a positive attitude. I am hoping that if I write these things than I can release them a little and think about them less. Unfortunate that those of you reading this might be infected by awful things you hadn’t even considered. Such is life in deadbabyland.

Next Tuesday, the 28th, I will be genetically counseled and then I will have a CVS. I has been planning to do the combin*d screening/NT ultr*sound but have recently decided against it. What clinched it for me was this: The combin*d screening test misses Down’s syndrome 10-15% of the time and trisomy 10% of the time. Those numbers are way too big for me. ((***Editorial Note: These numbers misrepresent the facts. I found out today, 11/28/06 that these numbers don't paint a complete picture and I decided against having the CVS because my combined screening numbers looked really good. See my post on 11/28/06 for more on this***)). Obviously that doesn’t mean that a baby will have Down’s 10-15% of the time but still. Rocket Man’s childhood friend just had their 3rd child and that the baby has Down’s was a complete shock to them. Their comb*ned screening numbers looked great. The doctor who will do my CVS is the best in this area and among the best in the country. My placenta is well-positioned for a transabdominal which is great because we can’t take the chance of pissing off my testy cervix. (My cervix apparently held a grudge when a cm and a half of it was chopped off two months before I got pregnant with LC. Unfortunately I had no idea that the lopping off of a ¼ of my cervix might pose a problem for a future pregnancy. Hindsight. Harumph.)

On a different note altogether, I haven’t been posting or reading because I’ve been feeling like shit and having a cold. I have also been stewing over the unresolved aggravation regarding ESP and her email back to me. After I got her response I was distracted by the spotting that started. Less than 24 hours after my good ultrasound, I was back to be-atching about ESP. I really hate this about myself; I celebrate good news for way less time than I stew over bad news. For me homeostasis is dwelling in and on the negativity. I don’t know how to be any other way. It’s exhausting. I hear that great things are being done with electroshocktherapy. Maybe I’ll try that after this pregnancy is over. Joking. (BTW, I was also joking about me doing housework. No danger of me picking up a vacuum.)

I appreciated all the insightful comments regarding ESP. Let me assure you all that I would not have given her a second thought if she weren’t a NEIGHBOR. Our little neighborhood is small and intimate. I have to work hard to avoid her house and in doing so I am avoiding other friends and neighbors who live right near her. I will have to see her at neighborhood events of which there are many and our kids will go to the same school. She is also one of the few neighbors that has kids as young as mine and she’s the only one having a baby. Blah, blah, blah. These things are what make it hard to let go.

I hate the angst that I feel when I walk out my door. It’s like her house is haunted and I feel its bad vibes. UGH. Furthermore, I HATE not having the last word. I really wanted to send a reply but have resisted doing so. You all are right. There is no point. I want to set her straight on a few things but I actually do understand that it isn’t possible to set her straight. She doesn’t get it and she never will. How could I want to hang on to a friendship that never stood a chance? Just because we really did click when we first met? Is it because she rejected me? Partly but I should be able to see that she did me a favor.

Rocket Man dreamt about her husband last night while I was dreaming about her. We saw them yesterday as we were driving by. My reaction was one of wanting to forgive her. I am crazy and I should be put away. Reading your responses and parts of her email remind me of how much I loathe her. Why the hell do I need reminding?

I hate living with the grudge; I’m holding or have held so many that this one feels like more than I can bear. But THIS is no time to stop holding grudges for Christ’s sake.

There. I did it. I exhausted myself on the topic.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am going through something similar to you with ESP. I have a relative of mine that when I read about the letters and what you are feeling, it's like reading my own thoughts. I hope Tuesday shows nothing but great news.

2:28 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

We also have a friend whose son has Down's and who had the combined screen (showing nothing). I hadn't heard these statistics you are siting but they are just helping me decide what I already know. If I manage to get pregnant again, there is no way I will be able to relax until I can have some extremely serious, heavy-duty testing done. I just have to figure out whether it's CVS or amnio. Last go-round, my midwife said the combined screen was 94% effective and that sounded great. Now that sounds like crap.

I am sorry you continue to be tormented by ESP. I hope time passing helps a bit. I don't know that anything else really will (as with so many fucking things). Otherwise, I would say... well, maybe you should move.

5:56 AM  
Anonymous bri said...

OH. And I can SOOOOO relate to that bit about having the ultrasound before plopping down for a chipper, cozy little chat about the supposed pregnancy. That chat is one of the post-traumatic stress things that totally haunts me now. Ultrasound first and foremost. Absolutely.

5:57 AM  
Blogger delphi said...

As we get closer and closer to the Babe's due date, I find my self spending more and more time stewing about the lack of support I am getting from my SIL. I guess because this isn't how it’s supposed to be. We are supposed to spend hours on the phone talking about this baby, the way we spent hours talking about C's impending arrival. She was my font of advice.

Whatever bee flew up her butt a year ago, I'll never know (unless I directly confront her, and I don't see that happening). But dealing with a person in your life that you *thought* would be there for you and then isn't... someone that isn't the person you thought she was... someone you thought you could trust, but can't... It is draining and upsetting and not worth it. Doesn't mean that I can let it go - she's my SIL after all. And she will be forever. How do you get past that?

So, no great advice from here... just commiseration.

9:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

will be thinking about you tomorrow.

9:51 AM  
Blogger bleu said...

I am holding you in my thoughts today.


10:28 AM  
Blogger Grrlscout said...

Tuesday has to be a good day. Its almost Thanksgiving, dammit, and I think Sprout is scrappy.

We will be totally thinking about you and yours tomorrow.

6:36 PM  
Blogger bleu said...

and tomorrow too...duh

11:15 PM  

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