Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Paranoid Tuesday

As my 2:15 ultrasound approaches, paranoia is setting in. I think what is happening here is an attempt by my subconscious mind to anticipate disaster and in doing so consider all possible indicators of impending disaster. I am trying desperately to prepare myself for a shock even though I know that any such efforts are completely futile.

Possible indicator of impending disaster #1:

Rocket Man returned home from his business trip last night only to find me WIDE-AWAKE on the couch at 10 p.m. Awake. Wide-awake even. Not passed out and bound to be super-grouchy when he wakes me up to haul me off the couch and into bed. Not fallen asleep mid-stitch with my knitting in my lap. Not drooling on myself with my glasses pressed uncomfortably into my nose leaving an angry purplish-red dent when I take them off. Wide awake.

Come to think of it, as I did when he found me awake, I was awake at 10 the night before also. Flashback to June 29th when I was also not passed out on the couch two nights in a row. I wondered back then what the hell was I doing awake? What happened to my customary 1st trimester exhaustion that lays me out every night by at least 9 p.m. I remember thinking, back in June, why I was suddenly awake two nights in a row. I found out why the next day: dead baby. Yes folks it’s true. My paranoia is such that awake at 10 p.m.= dead baby alert. Welcome to Crazytown.

Thank God I won’t have to suffer the anxiety for too much longer. Today’s anxiety that is. After today’s ultrasound, a new panic will slowly take hold, peaking by next Tuesday’s u/s and CVS.

Possible indicator of impending disaster #2:

My nausea has eased up quite a bit. Last week it went AWAY for a few days. Naturally I got pretty worried about this. Flashback to deadbabydisaster #1 back in August 2003, when at 10 ½ weeks I said to my ex-doctor, “I actually feel good. What’s going on? Is that baby still in there?” We both kind of laughed it off. Oh, the naiveté. The baby was still in there of course but it wasn’t alive. It had died three weeks before and didn’t bother to notify me or my placenta.

My nausea has returned, thank God, but it’s not nearly as bad as it was before last week. It could be tapering off because the placenta has failed to take over progesterone production from the ovaries and maybe it’ll turn out that there is a progesterone problem after all and we never did do another blood test to see how the progesterone numbers were looking…. Argh.

Possible indicator of impending disaster #3:

These aren’t actual indicators they’re just things running through my tortured mind. 10 ½ weeks is a big hurdle for me. Deadbaby #1 was discovered at 10 ½ weeks. Deadbaby #2 keeled over at 10 ½ weeks. I am a day past 10 ½ weeks today. Memories… like the corners of my mind, misty-water colored memories. Ugh.

The possible chromosomal translocation that fancy doc’s colleague mentioned is pushing its way from the back of my mind. If there is a problem, it will become apparent soon, which leads me to Today’s Obstetrical Fantasy.

I am hoping that at the u/s today fancy doc will call in a colleague or somebody who is experienced with neck fold assessment. Not in that uh-oh I better go get the doctor/another doctor way but in a since you’re here let’s tell you how good Sprout’s neck fold looks way. We are passing on the NT u/s but I am hoping that somebody can have a look at the neck fold today since now is an appropriate time to measure it. To complete the fantasy, somebody will suggest putting the dried blood test results with the NT measurement and we’ll end up with an impromptu comb*ned screening which will show us amazingly good result. We’ll still do the CVS next week but at least we’ll have some good news to think about in the coming week.

A girl can dream, right?

I’m off to shower so I can feel confident about my freshness for the possible cervical exam. Ooh I forgot to factor in concerns about how my poor cervix is doing. It has proven that it can’t be trusted and I am never confident about what it might be up to.

That’s it. I think.

9 Comments:

Blogger AJ said...

Hoping everything went well, will check back for your update later!

12:28 PM  
Blogger ms.bri said...

Thinking of you today.

12:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

good luck today

12:55 PM  
Blogger vee said...

I don't know how you live with that fear and still breathe.
I hope that it was all utterly unnecessary and that the news was all good.

Oh, and I hope that your fragrant lala was appreciated - I would imagine in that kind of job, you'd be grateful for small acts of kindness like that!!

1:20 PM  
Anonymous steph said...

arrgghh. I'm stressing right along with you. Good luck!!

2:06 PM  
Blogger delphi said...

Oy! Would you please post as soon as possible to update us? Becuase I can feel the stress at my end too!

Thinking of you...

2:13 PM  
Blogger Co said...

Thinking of you and your family.

3:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope it all goes ok, without any disasters this time.

4:45 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Really hoping for a positive update soon! *hugs*

5:46 PM  

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