Tuesday, April 17, 2007

No news is good news

Sorry for being such a slacker. I have posts percolating in my head but haven't managed to make the effort to write them. Here's alittle bit of all of them.

Here's a picture of our daughter at 30 weeks. 4-D scans are friggin' unbelievable. I look at this picture to make myself believe that there is a real live baby in my belly. She is very active and I feel her moving all the time but I still have a hard time connecting the dots. WIth my son and daughter, it wasn't until I heard them cry that I REALLY got it. Sounds crazy probably.

Recently, I am starting to believe that she will most likely be born and live and come home with us. I am thinking about packing a bag for the hospital, mostly so I'll have a cute outfit for her to come home in. I might also wash some clothes for her soon. Her accomodations pretty much consist of a crib in our bedroom. She'll sleep in bed with us until she starts making an unreasonable amount of noise and then we'll reevaluate. We could put her bassinet in our bathroon; our bathroom is beautiful and has the best feng shui of any room in the house.

My dreams have been crazy. A few nights ago I made the acquaintance of the grim reaper, then the next night it was multiple near-death-experiences in Mexico. Last night I was about to get bussed off to prison for six months when Tina Fey saved my ass on the basis of a positive blood test of some sort. Fortunately I have learned that, in the dream world, dying is actually more about rebirth and than it is about death. Still.

Sticking with the death theme, I am feeling ready to deal with the two boxes of ashes sitting in my kitchen cabinet. It's time to release them, the ashes that is, not the babies. The babies are long gone. If I ever get around to finishing the story of the Big Fucking Nightmare, I will elaborate on how, after LC died, she was gone, gone. It seemed like she shot out of my life in a flash and left nothing behind. Her ashes never felt at all like they had much to do with her. The thread between us broke when we gave her back to the nurse. MAybe I haven't allowed myself to feel her presence. Who knows.

So I have a question. I have been thinking a little about whether I should keep a tiny bit of her ashes, and her tiny, baby brother's. Anyone have any thoughts about this? I am somewhat inclined to let the ocean lap them all up and take them away. But I don't want to have regrets. I have pictures, handprints, footprints, an impossibly tiny hospital band. My jizo statue is on the way, finally.

Should I keep some ashes? Any insights from personal experiences would be most welcome.

Maybe after I release the ashes, my heart will open more fully to the little acrobat in my belly. I'll sign off for now so she'll stop trying to kick the computer off my belly.

If anything dramatic happens, like I go into labor or my water breaks, I will have a friend post for me. So no news really is good news.

I am 32 weeks on Thursday! This is the first milestone that seems like it will feel good. The baby will most likely be fine if she insists on being born. Every day and week after is shaving off NICU time and increasing the likelihood that she goes straight to her daddy's arms.

I see fancy doc on thursday and i will demand that we have a detailed discussion of the plan for my delivery. I'll give him some more shit about scheduling a vacation during my 38-39 1/2 week period. I know he really wants to be there so giving him shit will be satisfying. I'd like to talk seriously about having a C-section before he leaves. I know that he has some concern about who removes my cerclage. Any one of his partners could do the section but I'd love for it to be him. At any rate, he isn't putting me off again with any bullshit about superstition. I need to know whatever is knowable about the plan for my delivery.

Christ this kid is still thrashing around like a wildcat in a burlap sack. Feels like she is doing backflips with my right hipbone as a her launching pad. Gadzooks.


Blogger art-sweet said...

Thank you for updating! I'm glad to hear that Baby Girl is kicking strong!

8:16 PM  
Blogger Michell said...

Glad that all is still moving along. Yay for almost 32 weeks.

1:19 AM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Wow! That picture is very cool! I don't think we even have a machine like that around here.

9:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm usually a lurker, but thought I'd chime in about your babies' ashes. Partner and I lost my son's twin brother at 30 weeks, and although we're thankful that our son survived a 6wk NICU stay with no probs, we still miss his twin immensely. We heard about a company called Life Gem, who makes diamonds out of cremated remains. One day when we have the money, we will do it. Sounds strange I know, but it also seems comforting when you have no idea what to do with the ashes otherwise. Here's their website: http://www.lifegem.com/.
Take care,
Stacey (moms2roope2nia@aol.com)

10:03 AM  
Blogger delphi said...

Stacey beat me to it - I think the idea of having a diamond made is SOOOOOO cool.

yay that your little toot is doing acrobatics. You are getting so close to the end. I am thrilled with your excellent progress and am ticking off the days that move you further away from NICU.

11:19 AM  
Blogger Lo said...

Looking good, looking good! Fingers crossed for you and that acrobatic Doris F.

11:23 AM  
Anonymous kari said...

Glad you posted and things are going OK. My second daughter was born at 32 weeks, 4 days and she had a short, unremarkable stay in the NICU. Ask for some steroid shots! My first daughter's ashes are in a very pretty vase on a bookcase. I want to spread some on my mom's grave and some in the ocean, but I can't yet, for some reason. I also looked into diamonds, but they are soooo expensive.

12:53 PM  
Blogger niobe said...

Good to hear from you and great pic .

after LC died, she was gone, gone. It seemed like she shot out of my life in a flash and left nothing behind.

I think I know what you mean.

5:04 PM  
Blogger graphix_girl said...

She's adorable! Glad to hear that she's doing great and you're doing good.

In regards to the ashes situation, I'm keeping my son's ashes in an urn behind glass. Sounds morbid to some but it gives me a sense of peace knowing that he's near me.

Take care.

5:04 AM  
Anonymous bri said...

That picture is crazy - did they do that at the doctor or did you go to a pay place? They tried to get a 3D shot of ours but the machine wasn't cooperating.

I don't have experience with baby ashes, so forgive me for chiming in. I spread my mother's ashes (illegally) in some botanic garden. I actually felt almost nothing while I was doing it. She firmly believed that when she was dead, the remains were just that - nothing more to them. And that helped me feel that way, too. It was good to get rid of them, at least for me.

7:00 AM  
Blogger Michell said...

Yeah for 32 weeks and here's to several more. Thinking about you and hoping that all is moving along fine.

9:43 AM  
Blogger Patience said...

WTF - we released our babies' ashes to the ocean in a beautiful, private ceremony and I have absolutely no regrets. Whenever I am near water I know they are close by. We chose a really special beach (where MrP proposed to me) and go there often with a bottle of wine and some fish and chips!

MrP and I both wrote special notes to our babies and burnt them and mixed them in with their ashes, as well as some petals off of our rosebushes, just a little bit of home.

I can honestly say I'm so glad that we did it this way, I'd thought of keeping some ashes but it felt a little weird that they wouldn't be complete (just me though!!) - and I know that whatever you choose to do will be the right thing for you.... x

6:23 PM  

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