Saturday, April 07, 2007

There is a crib in my bedroom

On Wednesday, we bought our neighbor’s crib and it was put in our garage. On Thursday, it was assembled and now it is in our bedroom. I was thinking that seeing the crib in the bedroom might help me picture a baby in it. As it is now, I look at the crib and think, “Is this really going to happen?” “If a baby ends up in this crib, will she be healthy?” “Are we going to have a happy ending?”

I guess the heart of the matter is the question of the happy ending. After being pregnant for so long, after two disasters, it’s a leap for me to believe that this will end well. It’s not that I think it will end badly. I just don’t trust the universe when it comes to babies. I’ve lived a few horror stories and heard many, many more. The baby got the hiccups for the first time the other day and the thought that leapt into my mind was, “Jesus I hope it’s not cord compression.”

Call me negative. I call it jaded. I know too much and a lot of it isn’t good. And I was no little miss sunshine even before I lost my deadbabyvirginity. Please spare me any comments about how I should focus on the positive. I already know that there is a very bright side here and that I would help me to pay closer attention to it. Being able to feel gratitude helped me survive the Big Fucking Nightmare. After the next disaster, I was just pissed. And bitter. Being grateful felt better. I digress.

I started this blog so I could vent about my experiences and find some community in the process. Angst is what inspires me to post. Notice that most of my posts are about fear and anxiety and catastrophizing. I don’t feel that way all the time or I would be posting more frequently. After I post a big, gnarly rant about whatever, I generally feel better. Catharsis, I believe it’s called. I’d rather give the negativity, or whatever, a voice and release it into cyberspace than let it eat away at me while I try to stuff it down. I like the old “trying to keep the beach ball under the water” analogy. It’s exhausting falling off that ball all the time and trying to climb back on. Here, my beach ball is all over the place.

Having empathic readers who leave empathic comments feels good. Having somebody tell me to pull up my skirt and quit bitching is not so helpful. My dad did that as I grew up with a very depressed and abusive mother. I am trying to re-parent myself by listening to my inner 5-year-old instead of telling her to rise above it. We all need to be seen as we are and loved as we are in order to have a shot at feeling anything but self-loathing. I digress again.

I get that other people have it worse than me. Lots of them. My life is full of riches and beauty and treasure. I am constantly awe-struck by my children. I live in wonder that my husband, the most decent and generous person I know, really and truly loves me. I am blessed in myriad ways.

But I still need a place to complain and that place is here. I appreciate the comments defending my right to complain. I didn’t get involved in the discussion because I feel very certain that not only am I justified in griping but that it’s good for me.

So back to griping. I’m finding it hard to trust that my happy ending is coming. At the same time, every ounce of my being rebels at the notion of some sort of disaster. I’m in limbo.

I saw fancy doc on Thursday. At that point I had two weeks of house-bound, I shouldn’t be up for longer than 20 minutes bedrest under my belt. He said that I should continue that way for 2 more weeks and then we’ll reevaluate. However, he did give me a pass for one outing a week and I will use it to take my son to school and then my daughter to her mommy-and-me class. I’ll bring my lawn chair to the class.

The stitch is holding my cervix steady at 3 cm. I’m always surprised by that but I guess the only way for the cervix to shorten is if the stitch slips. The stitch feels very pinchy like there is a uterus full of baby sitting right on it, which of course there is. The baby looks good. The fluid looks good, the cord is not wrapped and seems to be attached properly and in a good spot.

The contractions are getting more painful but I haven’t had more than three painful ones in an hour. I just sneezed and felt like I about blew the stitch right out of me. Often I feel like my water could break any minute now. This morning I had crampy pains and aches in my lower back. But so far none of these symptoms has escalated into anything that caused me to consider calling fancy doc’s office.

Oh yeah so fancy is gong to be away from end of May’ish until June 8th. That is week 38 for me and part of 39. We hadn’t discussed “the delivery” earlier for fear of the dreaded jinx. I asked him if we’d do the C-section at 38 weeks before he left on vacation and he said no. Regarding what the actual plan will be, he said it’s too early to talk about and that we should discuss it at 34 weeks. My world-renowned, cerclage-expert, fancy doctor is too superstitious to go there.

So I guess that leaves me delivering, if not sooner, than at 39 ½ weeks. I’m not thrilled about that especially since my cerclage will still be in. Given how uncomfortable that little mother is right now, I am not too psyched about going any longer than necessary. A 38-week delivery would work for me. So we’ll see.

In the meantime, there is a crib in my bedroom. Maybe I’ll put some tiny clothes in there along with her little cowboy booties. To help me get in happy-ending, live-baby mode. And I am moving into full-on, this is the last several, or few, weeks that I will ever be pregnant and so I intend to enjoy some of it mode.

Oh yeah and I have the “consent for sterilization” form. It needs to be signed at least 30 days before the C-section; there is a waiting period of sorts. I would’ve preferred that the form say “consent for tubal ligation.” Sterilization. That’s a little intense.

To answer the question of why I am having a C-section: In 1999, I had a large fibroid removed from the wall of my uterus. Since it was embedded in the wall and then removed, a vaginal delivery carries a 10% chance of a uterine rupture. My ex-doctor was adamant that a vaginal delivery would be too risky. (She didn’t bother to tell me that a LEEP procedure, aka lopping off 25% of my cervix, might cause an incompetent cervix but that’s another story). So it’s scheduled C-sections for me. It’s not so bad especially when they are scheduled so there is no labor. More on that some other time.


Blogger Jennifer said...

Wow...we are in some ways in very similar places at this moment (see my latest talks about cribs and fairytales and lots of other things you mentioned). I hate the buck up, little camper talks too. I spent my entire pregnancy so far living in fear of a repeat m/c or horror like the ones you've experienced because I know there are no guarentees. And while I do regret it (because this will most likely be my only pregnancy) it was my choice and it was the only way I could cope.

Every day that passes, you get closer to your due date. I don't see why 38 weeks isn't doable. The baby should be ready by then and I am sure you will be too. It's like you are living in a pregnancy prison, on a couch with only 20 minute breaks. I don't know how you do it each day, let alone for weeks more. And with kids. And a father milling about.

Don't get sucked into other people's misery game. Yes, lots of people have it worse than you. And lots have it better. Same with everyone else in the universe. You have a right to complain about anything and anyone you want, esp. on your own blog. I appreciate your honesty and candor---it echoes some of the dark and scary thoughts in my own head and make me feel like I am not the only one who questions if I will have a happy ending. I don't think of you as negative or jaded...I think of you are wary. How could you not be?? And also weary. You deserve a happy ending this time and I hope you get it.

8:00 PM  
Blogger Anniep said...

You've got balls to assemble a crib this 'early'. And to put it in your bedroom nonetheless. *whistle* I think I would have wussed and put it in the basement, or a spare room (we have the room, being infertiles and all), somewhere where I don't have to look at it everyday. You know... just in case...

Do you at least vary which end of the sofa you plant yourself on? I really feel for ya... the boredom, the entrapment, the waiting.

10:05 PM  
Blogger bleu said...

I heard some smiles in your post, it made me smile. Thanks.

10:25 PM  
Blogger momofdom said...

I also use my blog to vent, and sometimes I wonder if people think I'm a miserable wretch. However, I read your blog and see that behind the words is someone who is so scared and worried and just wants a baby that lives. A happily ever after. If people don't like what you say, they shouldn't read your blog.
I check up with your blog every few days hoping to hear of your happily ever after. You are in my thoughts.

9:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the update. I don't even know you, but I found myself worrying about you this last week and hoping things were okay.

I say vent away. If people don't like what you have to say, they don't have to read it!

Before you know it you'll have your little baby in your arms and you'll be sleep deprived and recovering from the c-section. It will be wonderful because it will be NORMAL new mommy concerns and not worries over things that first time moms are just oblivious to.

12:49 PM  
Blogger Ruby said...

I second what anonymous said.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous gypsygrrl said...

WTF, i think of you so often and check your blog for updates on the status of your hips and anything cute from your little girls [i read the panty-liner post to a friend over the phone and barely finished it for choking back the giggles]

you keep venting and doing what you need to do to keep yourself and your baby healthy! i think your blog is AWESOME in the things you have shared with us all here. the things you have trusted us to open our hearts and hold as you pour it all out. i am always drawn to blogs that are REAL and honest. and sometimes real and honest also happens to be horrendously ugly. but it helps. i am sure when i finally am pg, i am going to be harbouring all kinds of fears, and readings these blogs helps me know that i really am not feeling things that lots of other women feel with their pregnancies.

take care of yourself and hope you feel all our love and light surrounding you!

9:08 AM  
Blogger spryngtree said...

WTF what are you lying on? I found memory foam really helped with the hip problem, I put it on my bed and got a memory foam futon for a sofa.

As far as venting/staying postive/imagining the baby here/not imagining the baby here... you do what you need to do to get through this.

Sorry about the burping. I actually lost 40 pounds while I was pregnant with my subsequent child, eating was NO fun especially since I needed to go low carb. When people who didn't go through a bedrest pregnancy act jealous of that I want to smack them especially since I gained it all back anyway while they dropped their baby weight nursing.

I'm sending wishes that in a few months you are happily eating all the chocolate peanut butter icecream you want as you happily dandle your baby on your knee. I think chocolate peanut butter icecream is really gross though. You really like that flavor???

5:07 PM  
Blogger Michell said...

I agree to that it's your blog and you can/should post whatever you want. You want to vent, go ahead there are plenty of us here to listen. If I were in your place, I would be venting a lot too. Still sending all kinds of good thoughts your way and hoping your week is going ok.

10:24 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Wow, I missed the "comment" drama it sounds like. Did someone flame you on your blog? I've had them do that on mine too and I recently changed it so I have to approve all comments. Sad that people feel compelled to do that, huh? Anyway, I hope you're doing well!!! I think of you often!!


10:03 AM  
Blogger niobe said...

Just the title of this post made me smile. A nervous smile, but a smile nonetheless.

2:44 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

Cribs, I have to say, are a giant pain in the ass. We are having a hell of a time picking one out. Oh, but right... I am married to Mr. Style. So that doesn't help anything.

I am so sorry that you are having to do this bed rest crap and that it's so hard. The dad stuff sounds hideous. I wouldn't want my parents around that frequently even while free to roam around. Sucks sucks sucks.

Thinking of you.

6:20 AM  
Blogger hd said...

I was still worried and freaking out the week before I delivered. I've only experienced one loss, but even that one does something to your thinking. I totally understand. That's all I wanted to say--I understand.

7:12 AM  
Blogger art-sweet said...

helllooooooo? update, or at least promise that if anything bad happens Charlotte will update so that I don't have to worry when I come back to the same post day after day...

9:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know what the real problem is with pregnancy today.............the doctors tell their patients too much!!!!
My grandaughter has been a nervous wreck since she became pregnant, and now at 33 1/2 wks she is in the hospital AGAIN for no good reason. Why cant the girls today just enjoy their pregnancies and not worry what everyone else did or the doctor give them too many statistics. We were dumb when we had our children, but guess what WE ENJOYED OUR PREGNANCIES, WE DID NOT FEAR THEM..........

8:04 AM  

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