Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Change of plans

(I wrote this hours ago but was not able to edit and post it until now because Rocket Man was hogging the computer.)

The baby looks great, once again!! The little creature actually looks a lot like a baby now. Arms were waving and legs were kicking and the heart was beating. I launched the little guy off its resting place when I had to cough for the u/s technician. There is a real live baby in there and it bounces up when I cough. Whoa.

Regarding the CVS, well… I didn’t do it. We got the results of the combined screening test after the nuchal translucency u/s was done. I did the dried blood test two weeks ago so I could reserve the option to do the combined screening. Today they did the NT u/s anyway (I guess they do that routinely when you’ve got the dried blood results to combine with the NT u/s) which consisted of measuring the neck fold and plugging a number into the computer. The results were really good. The chance of Down’s is 1 in 3,681 and the chances of the trisomies is 1 in 6 thousand or so.

We were going to do the CVS anyway because we read that the combined screening misses Down’s 10-15% of the time and trisomy 10% of the time. Those numbers freaked me out and the CVS doc confirmed them. However, that is not to say that my chance of Down’s isn’t still 1 in 3,681. That’s the part that I hadn’t understood. I thought that the test being wrong 10-15% of the time meant that my great number could be COMPLETELY wrong that frequently. Apparently that isn’t true.

We were confused by this information today (and I still am a little) but it boils down to this. There is a 1 in 3,681 chance of Downs and there is a 1 in 200 (maybe 1 in 250 in this practice) chance that the CVS could cause a miscarriage or an infection that could also end the pregnancy. Upon being assured that this was essentially the situation, I decided against doing the CVS. One in 3,681 is a much more palatable risk than 1 in even 250 or 300. I could not deal with the idea of walking out of there and having to wait to see if my baby was going to end up dead knowing that it would be MY FAULT this time. When I thought about having to wait to see if I was going to start bleeding or suddenly get a fever again and then end up losing my baby, I got teary and decided no f*cking way. It’s kind of crazy that we misunderstood the risks and nearly did the CVS but I feel clear that we made the right decision. There was just no way I could feel okay about taking that kind of chance, 1 in 200, when our chances of Downs are 1 in 3,681.

I hope that makes sense. I bet that some of you understand the statistics better than I do. I put a note in my post from a few weeks ago where I quoted those stats so people don’t get confused. I am relieved and actually happy for a change.

After I posted this mornings cranky, pessimistic post, I was feeling bad about being so negative. I wanted you all to know that I do try to give myself pep talks and I do try to sing a different tune every now and then. So then I was taking a shower and I had an epiphany of sorts. While I was busy lathering up, I multi-tasked by also catastrophizing about the baby turning up dead on the u/s. I imagined that I would immediately ask for a shot of a sedative, as if they would have one laying around. It was then, during my “daymare” (as opposed to daydream or nightmare), that one of the less vocal members of the committee in my head pounded her fists on the table and screamed, “NO WAYYYY!! That is not going to happen. ENOUGH ALREADY. There is no f*cking way that is going to happen.” It was as if some part of me was, understandably, sick of listening to the parade of potential horrors and just rebelled. (It’s funny because I have been rebelling against something for most of my life but the one taking most of the beatings is me.) So I am standing there in the shower feeling better and really feeling like there is no way that Christmas is going to be ruined and I am not going to see another dead baby and my family isn’t going to have to endure my falling apart after losing a fourth and final baby. We are having a baby dammit and that kid is going to be so adored by his brother and sister, not to mention his parents and it’s all friggin’ good. That’s it. There’s a happy ending to that anecdote. Oh and a valuable lesson for me I think is that sometimes it’s good to not only let yourself go there but to go maybe a little too far so even you can’t stand it and a part of you gets strong and fights back.

That’s all I’ve got today. I’m good for now. Thanks for the love. Right back atcha.

19 Comments:

Blogger Rosepetal said...

So happy that Sprout was waving at you!

2:32 AM  
Blogger AJW5403 said...

I am so happy that you seen a live and moving baby. When I was pregnant I had to have some sort of testing because of my husband. I decided not to do the CVS also because of the miscarry rates but I did end up doing the Amnio. It is scary but I think you did the right thing.

2:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad you've made a decision that feels right for you, I probably would have decided the same thing. Hooray for live babies!

3:48 AM  
Blogger vee said...

Good to hear Sprout is doing well.

5:56 AM  
Anonymous Round is Funny said...

Yay! Good news. Good, good, good news.

6:27 AM  
Blogger delphi said...

Good news, good epiphany, good attitude!

P.S. Stats boggle my mind, too!

7:18 AM  
Blogger Married Lesbian Mom said...

I am so happy for you. Go Sprout. Can't wait to keep reading all the great news. (((HUGS)))

7:32 AM  
Blogger Co said...

SO GLAD you got good news.

And as someone who knows a lot about math and stats, I congratulate you on your ability to reason through those crazy stats. I agree with you... 1 in 3,000-something vs. 1 in 200? You chose well, at least from a math point of view.

7:47 AM  
Anonymous steph said...

Awesome! I'm glad you decided against the CVS, I totally agree with that decision. Sprout sounds so sweet and so cute. Now I just can't wait to find out if your baby is a he or a she!!

7:51 AM  
Anonymous bri said...

So glad things are still good in there. Interesting about the CVS. I worry about this so much. I don't think I'll be able to handle not having something but amnio does seem safer. Later but safer. I don't know what I will do. Really don't. Glad to know you got low risks back.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Thrilled to hear your good news!!! You definitely had sound reasoning about the CVS. And I'm so happy that you could give that negative voice in your head a talking to!

1:55 PM  
Blogger mermaidgrrrl said...

I'm so glad that you had a great ultrasound that's made you feel confident. And I'm also glad you're not having the CVS because those miscarriage odds are so damn high! I wouldn't even bet on a horse that had those crappy odds :-)

4:20 PM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

What a great number! Congrats!! I think we are in the same boat...I just had my nuchal scan today. (11w3d). I did bloodwork, but I have to go back in a few weeks to do the second blood, and then decide for or vs. amnio. The wait is interminable. The good news is that the folds (twins) were 1.1 and 1.2. What was your measurement? I'm no doctor, but if our measurements were close then I am hoping I have around the same odds as you....

5:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sooo glad things are looking good. I just lost my first in Sept. and began searching blogger for women with similiar situations. I mostly wanted to hear about subsequent pregnancies and I am rooting for you fully. I have checked back everyday to hear how ur visits have gone. Congrats!! The stats are definately in ur favor.

10:56 PM  
Blogger hd said...

First of all, love the image of your kid waving its little arms. Glad it all went well.

Secondly, I have absolutely NO concept of what it must feel like to be in your shoes. I lost one baby very early in the pregnancy, and it was devastating, and I can't imagine it happening again and again. BUT...I do totally relate about making yourself go to the happy place and put aside all the anxiety and negativity. I have four weeks left in my pregnancy, and this morning (it's trash day) I still could not force myself to throw away all the boxes (high chair, swing, bouncer, etc.) because...well...what if something still goes wrong and I don't have anything to put all that stuff in to return to the store? As crazy as that sounds, as crazy as it looks in print, I still feel it. But you inspired me to fight that feeling, so this afternoon I'm putting all that stuff to the curb--literally and otherwise.

Sorry to highjack your comments. Love your blog. Still cheering you on.

6:50 AM  
Blogger lagiulia said...

Hey there. Glad to hear your u/s went well. Also glad you feel good about the CVS decision. My friend lost her babies after an amnio and has not been able to conceive since. I know that was just one experience and undoubtedly the exception to the rule, but it really freaked me out to the point of no return when it comes to the thought of invasive testing.
I too have had some of my greatest revelations in the shower. What's with that? What a great thing that you felt something strongly and stubbornly positive come from inside. I hope that voice sticks around or at least surfaces when you need it the most.

7:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so glad that you had such a good u/s.
xo

7:28 PM  
Blogger Sophia said...

yay for Sprout!

7:36 PM  
Blogger charlotte said...

Dude...post another post already!!
:)

8:28 PM  

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