Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Drumroll please

The baby is perfectly healthy and even appears to be well-behaved and cooperative. My cervix looks and feels just fine.

Turns out that I lied when I said I truly just wanted a healthy baby. When the technician said, “Are you ready? It’s a girl,” I started to cry. I started to cry and I didn’t stop for about an hour. I cried all through the u/s and through the attending doctor’s quick visit and into the waiting room to see my doctor.

I cried because my heart was hoping for a boy.

I cried because being a girl has been so hard for me. Being a daughter has sucked. Being a sister has sucked. I think I would’ve liked being a daughter-in-law but my mother-in-law who I really really liked died of brain cancer almost 10 years ago.

I cried because I always thought and hoped and felt that I would hold a baby boy, my baby boy, in my arms again someday.

I cried because the last time I was to hold a baby boy of mine was in July and he was dead. My tiny baby boy seems even more dead now. My dreams of having a live baby boy are over. Over.

I cried because my dreams, hopes, wishes, feelings, hunches, intuitions, expectations were all wrong. My vision of a third child, a boy, completing our family were wrong. That vision is what helped me decide to go through this again.

I cried because I was crying. I didn’t want to be crying at my u/s unless they were tears of joy.

I cried because losing LC and tiny baby boy will never ever make sense to me now.

I cried because maybe this baby will die like LC because we’re not meant to have a second girl. But there will be no more babies for us so unless a boy is going to show up in a basket on the doorstep, it’s not going to happen.

I cried because there is more grieving to be done and I wanted to have less grief, not more.

I cried because I felt like an ungrateful asshole.

I cried because I really wanted her to say “it’s a boy” and she didn’t.

I cried because there has been so so much crying and I wanted to not cry anymore.

I am finished crying, for now, maybe for good. It needed to happen. I will be just fine. I was fine last time and I will be fine this time.



I did have the great pleasure of feeling her first unmistakable kicks tonight. Maybe she is sending me a message, “hey mom, simmer down, it’s all good.”

Thanks, tiny daughter. I’m listening, I really am.

20 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. What a raw, naked post. I am impressed. I have many misgivings about potentially having a girl, but am way too chicken to write about them.

To raise a boy vs a girl IS different. It is simplistic for people to act like you can raise a gender-neutral child.

8:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am very glad that everything is okay with Sprout-ess.

For what it's worth, I am also a daughter, a sister, a daughter-in-law, a wife and I have been fine with it ;o). It's possible that Sprout will be too, and your other daughter too.

Your vision wasn't "wrong", wanting a girl or a boy isn't wrong. I think once Sprout is really here, she will just be her, not A Girl or A Boy, but Sprout, A Person, A Member of Your Family. Her gender is just one part of who she is.

2:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First, thank goodness all is well! I was checkign up till I went to bed last night and there was no new post and I was worried. What a relief to find out everything is going just fine so far. Second, there is NOTHING wrong with having a preference, and the resulting disappointment if said preference is not realized. There is almost nothing in this world that we are all neutral about. The scales ALWAYS tip to some degree in one direction, even if only slighty. Your reaction is real and natural and honest. So when is the next appointment??

7:28 AM  
Anonymous L said...

i believe life gives you what you need......not what you want(ha,ha) because life knows better. you need to be healed - being a woman is your wound that needs to be healed (especially so you don't pass on the notion that being a woman is painful to your girls). sprout is coming to heal you. the first daughter was sent to challenge you which always makes us grow (whether we like it or not) and this daughter may be sent to heal you. to show you all the joy and peace a woman can have in her life. there is nothing more beautiful than the friendship between a mother and daughter or two sisters - these are possible in your family and you will have the chance to watch them grow and heal your heart. you're not your mother and sprout is not you -she just may be the calm within the storm you've been waiting for.....
i love you - GIRLfriend!

7:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am happy to hear that all is well with your little girl. And congrats on a girl. I understand the crying after being told the sex. I also cried when I was told I was having a boy. After just losing my little girl I wanted another little girl so badly. It took me some to digest it and turely believe I was having a boy. You will get there.

7:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations on the good news. I'm glad all is well with Sprout!

8:49 AM  
Blogger whatthef*ck said...

Woah. That comment from "i said" really got me good. Finally some tears with joy and openness in them. I will cling to the notion that it is possible for moms and daughters and sisters to really enjoy each other. Believe me ladies when I tell you that I have lived an entirely opposite experience. There's a post or two there FOR SURE.

I also love the idea of sprout bringing with her the possibility of healing my myriad womanly wounds; through a relationship with my daughters and their relationships with each other and the world at large. I wouldn't assign the burden to a being that weighs 8 ozs. but I will open myself to the possibility that this is an opportunity for me to grow and to heal and possibly flourish even.

Maybe the Rolling Stones and so many others were right: "You can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes well you just might find.
You get what you need."

I sure must need alot in life because my cup has runneth over with trials and f*cking tribulations. Then again I am also blessed with immeasurable gifts. It's a mixed bag I'd have to conclude.

Thanks for your comments and your understanding. I appreciate that you all seem to be able to make space for me to have a somewhat funky outlook despite how long some of you have been waiting (not to mention the living hell that you've been through already on your journeys) to be blessed with a child of either gender.

You are wise and kind and sharing these experiences with you has helped me experience some of the magic of the bonds of women.

9:11 AM  
Blogger Married Lesbian Mom said...

All I can say is "WOW"...That post mad eme cry like a baby, at work. I wish you nothing but internal peace and a happy and healthy baby in the end. You are a very special person and the fact that I think that without even knowing you even confuses me. We will not know what we are having until Feb and I think you will be on my mind then too (and this post).

I too come from a very dark up bringing with my mother. We were close, but I was the parent and she was the child. Her and I still do not have a good relationship. My daughter is 7. I have broken the cycle that plagued my mother and I. You will too. You have something that your mother didn't....a heart.

Good luck to you and your entire family. can't wait to hear all the good news that is to come.

9:54 AM  
Anonymous amy said...

i wanted a boy really bad too and when they said it's a girl i asked that they keep looking because surely they had missed something. our daughter is 13 months old now and i can't i couldn't be more ecstatic that i got to enjoy a girl. your daughter is going to be so thrilled to have a baby sis!

11:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so glad that the baby is healthy... and I think it is perfectly ok to have to process that you are having another daughter. Right now I feel like I’d be disappointed to hear I was having a boy (I think a part of me sees a future pregnancy as a do over… and how can it be a do over if the baby isn’t a girl like Kate)… but I also know that if that happens it won’t help to not give some time and voice to those thoughts and feelings.

I’m glad that some of the comments (and baby’s movements) have helped you feel a little more at peace.

Many hugs

12:53 PM  
Blogger Sophia said...

my sponsor calls moments like these "an opportunity for growth"

I call them another mind fucking heart renching gut punching nail biting hair pulling primal screaming opportunity for growth.

ditto on what "I Said" said: This child will heal

I have to save this post for when the inevitable "its a boy" ultrsound happens for me.

1:21 PM  
Blogger spryngtree said...

Hi I wandered across this blog sort of randomly and I don't know you, but I wanted to say congratulations on your baby girl and give you hope that she will come and join your family and seem just right once she does. I lost my first baby boy at 20 weeks gestation and I expected the child that followed to be a girl and he turned out to be a boy. I remember having to cope with the dissappointment and the fear that somehow since he was another boy I might lose him too. It adds such a complicated layer to the whole gender issue to have lost children. Anyway good luck to you and your family.

4:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I haven't read much of your blog but I do understand why this is so sad for you. Crying may it some of it for now.
About your relationships....I think that you can use your knowledge of what pains you about your past relationships to make your relationship with your daughters what you dream it to be. You have plenty of time to watch them grow to eventually be the wonderful mother that you are.
I'm sending you all the healthy baby vibes I can!!
Jennifer

7:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I talked about having children I told my mother that if I could be guaranteed a boy who was athletic I would have one tomorrow. (I love sports)
When the u/s tech said "girl" I was confused. What the hell do I DO WITH PINK? I always wondered into the boys section at Babies R Us while prego ooing all over the cutest outfits.
When I saw Makenzie I loved she was a girl. Now I would love to have a girl, I love pink ,all her sweet little outfits. I want her sister to wear them.(i think). I had resolved Kenzie as being my little pal, shopping with mommy, hanging out and poking fun as Dad's masculine ways.A true comrad.

9:35 PM  
Blogger three minute palaver said...

i am so happy for you that the baby is healthy and everything is normal and that your tiny girl is giving you kicks already.

3:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your healthy baby! I think your very brave in posting so honestly. I felt the same way, after 3 1/2 hours of life my daughter died in my arms. Then, another pregnancy and of course I told myself I just wanted a healthy baby that LIVED. When he told me I was having a boy I cried inside, I wasn't brave enough to do it out loud. Five years later...Thank you God! For knowing what I needed and not just listening to what I wanted. He's my everything.

8:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations on a successful ultrasound. As far as the gender issue, a lot of people have already said some profound things. I don't have anything profound to say. I understand the disappointment. I desperately want a girl - likely because I have loved being a girl, a daughter, a sister and now a woman. Yesterday, when I came back to work after our not so perfect but also not bad u/s, I held a little baby boy that I was examining. I then realized, that if this baby lives, I'll be OK if it's a boy. I held that baby and knew that I could love it just as much even if it was a boy (although I still want a girl).

8:46 AM  
Blogger art-sweet said...

I'm so happy that the u/s showed a healthy living baby, first off.

And all of your misgivings about having a girl? I have equal misgivings about being momma to a boy child. I guess the grass, it really is greener.

5:18 AM  
Anonymous steph said...

I wish I had said what "I said" said. What a beautiful message of hope and healing. You go, girl!

WTF, I know that you are going to have a close and wonderful relationship with your girls. Your mother was a monster - you do not have any monster in you. Having daughters is the best thing that ever happened to me - I adore them and they have brought out a feminine side that I didn't know I had - I even wear pink now. Yikes. Just love your girls and cuddle them and play with them and talk to them and LISTEN to them, and it will all fall into place. You are such a good girlfriend - one of the closest I ever had. You will be such a good mother for those girls, I have absolutely no doubts.

Now let go of all of that pain you have been carrying around for far too long. Relax and enjoy your family - they sound like a hoot. I mean honestly, did you really expect Beaver Cleaver?

7:50 AM  
Anonymous Katalyst said...

I lost my firstborn child seven years ago... She was born in September; I lost her shortly after I gave birth to my second daughter.

When I became pregnant for the third time, I was certain in my mind that it was a boy- because of my husband's family logistics. However, in my heart- I JUST KNEW it was a girl because I ALWAYS have girls and this baby was due in September- like my firstborn.

I just felt like this was her way of saying, "I'm okay, Mom".

And of course- at the ultrasound, my Bub was a boy.

And I cried. And I cried when I got home. And I cried in the shower. And I cried in bed. And I cried for about two weeks... Then suddenly, I started seeing cute boy outfits and cute boy-themed things and now- now, I wouldn't trade this little boy for ANY girl. In fact, before I even gave birth to him- I was utterly in love with HIM.

Life is odd that way, sometimes. I think the raw honesty of your post is refreshing.

11:12 AM  

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