Monday, January 08, 2007

Just hoping for a healthy baby

As my big u/s approaches, I am caring less and less about the gender. I haven't even been able to work up the angst to post about it. Truly I want good news about the baby's health and I will be satisfied. Me satisfied? Okay maybe I am overstating it a little.

Okay, I’ll take a quick shot at why I am terrified of having another daughter.

Not necessarily in order of importance:

***I was afraid to have kids for most of my life because my mom and I have a, how shall I put it, not so great relationship. We've never had a good relationship. One of my first memories of her is her pounding on my back as I ducked out the door to go to school. I think I was about 5 or 6. As she was wailing down on me from her nearly six foot height, I was screaming "I hate you." Not exactly the makings of me dreaming of having a daughter someday.

I didn't want to have kids for most of my life and up until after my wedding because I was afraid to have a daughter. I was afraid she'd tell me to go fuck myself before she turned five. Or three.

***Being a girl has been so painful and I was/am reluctant to have to watch anybody else go through it. Vicious little friends in first grade. Backstabbers from elementary through high school graduation. I left for college and I didn’t call and I didn’t write. I never go back there.

Body angst, eating disorder-type issues, insecurity, too many sexual encounters that were unsatisfying, figuring out how to really enjoy sex, selling myself short. I could go on forever. Being a girl seems much harder than being a boy.

***I met a psychic once (she was waiting to present at a conference at my husband’s work) and confided my fears of my husband dropping dead. She took a quick look at him and said, “Oh honey he’s got light all around him. Go, be happy and have babies.” I was like, “Huh? Babies? We’re not planning to have kids.”

She just looked at me and patted my arm and said “two boys and a girl honey” and she walked off. Her pronouncement has stuck with me for 10 years. Because a psychic said it or because it rang true? Who knows? I can’t tell anymore why I’ve long felt that our third child would be a boy.

***I was SHOCKED when I found out that our third child, the baby we lost at 22 weeks, was a girl. I mean shocked, as if I didn’t believe it was possible.. It took me a while to adjust. I even thought, well maybe we won’t actually have this baby and we will end up with a boy. I did adjust and was completely on board long before we lost her.

The baby that we lost this summer was a boy. That kind of fucked me up a little extra.

So here we are again. Having a boy would feel like a big, cosmic puzzle piece just clicks intro place for me. Losing LC will make more sense than it does now. Losing the next baby may never make sense but having another boy will help.

***Besides I like boy stuff. I die over little boy clothes. I’d rather build and play with trains than dress dolls. I am a tomboy.

***My daughter, oh yeah, the girl that I was afraid to have is HELL ON WHEELS!! She screamed her ass off for the first seven months of her life. Then just screamed half of the time for the next seven months. I was a wreck. She is the fiercest creature I have ever laid eyes upon. She seems to like me okay so far but she’s only two and a half.

I am thrilled to have her. I am CRAZY about her. I admire her. I am up to the challenge of growing through this experience of having a daughter. But isn’t one enough?

***Me, the mother of two teenage daughters? It has never really seemed possible. But two boys? Sure they’ll do really stupid things like drive drunk but I am not AFRAID of them. I have always been more comfortable with men. Men aren’t mean or petty or backstabbing or vicious or passive-aggressive like women are. Women are scary. Men are easy. They are often rather simple and uncomplicated.

Bottom line is I will be thrilled with a healthy baby. If it’s a girl, I won’t be as shocked as I was when LC turned out to be a girl. But I’ll be a little confused. For so long, I’ve had a FEELING that our third would be a boy. And a preference, I admit.

But I am sure that people have “feelings” all the time and that doesn’t mean those things come to pass. I just want to find out. If it’s a girl, I’ll have my little process and then go about the business of falling in love with her. If it’s a boy, then at the end of the day I’ll feel like things make a little more sense.

I don’t mean to be the ungrateful brat that my mother often said I was (nice, huh?). It’s just that this is some complicated shit.

Bottom line: I’ve been through hell to get this baby here. Whoever is coming will be welcomed with the most open of hearts. He or she is already welcome, even though I just said all of that stuff about having a girl. As I’ve said, it’s complicated.

(((Healthy baby)))

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

GOOD LUCK!! I am so excited for your Level II! You must post in glorious detail asap! (Please bring pad and paper and take many notes!) I hope all goes well and it gives you a little reassurance for the rest of your pregnancy. And I think your boy/girl ideas are quite rational. There's nothing wrong with wanting certain sex, in my opinion. By the way, your mother sounds like a charmer.

3:31 AM  
Anonymous bri said...

I agree that it is normal to have preferences about this stuff. It sounds like you have a whole lotta girl baggage you are carrying around and I can understand how that would make girls seem harder. I had a strange and dysfunctional but thoroughly enjoyable relationship with my mom and have always been desperate for a daughter - worse after she died. It's amazing what having to wait for it has done to that desire, though - I, too honestly don't care at this point.

5:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi there, there is nothing wrong with wanting a certain sex of baby, especially in your situation.I myself have 2 daughters of 7 and 4. they are my angels but very trying!
i was told by many people that having girls is much harder than boys!
iv always had a good relationship with my mother. but not with my father which is why im the opposite from you worried about having a boy!
id love one but worried to.

11:26 AM  
Blogger Hennifer said...

Wow! I just started reading your blog. I saw your "title" on another comment somewhere and had to come see what you were about. Reading your post about your relationship with your mom and how it affected your desire to have kids, let alone girls really spoke to me. I could have written a very similar story. I had a boy first and was very excited to have a 2nd one if the universe saw fit. However with my boy I had dreams all the time and I KNEW I was having a boy. Even made a deal on the name game on him being a boy (we didn't find out in advance and I was right) With my daughter I had no clue. I figured I had to find out because if it was a girl I'd need time to adjust. I guess technically my instince was right because we found out about 20 weeks and it she was a girl, and let me tell you, she's 16 months and I'm still adjusting. But damn do I love her. They just make your heart grow you know?

4:53 PM  

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