Wednesday, May 16, 2007

13 days to go

Assuming that the amnio on May 25th shows mature lungs, I’ll be meeting my daughter on Tuesday May 29th at approximately 10 a.m. 13 days from now. I’ll be 37 weeks, 5 days.

Given that my son was 6 lbs., 2 oz. at 38 ½ weeks and my daughter was 5 lbs, 14 oz at 39 weeks, I am expecting the baby will be quite small. Hopefully she’ll be big enough to breathe perfectly and latch on well.

I have some slight doubts about whether scheduling the delivery early, so fancy doc can do it, is the right thing to do. I know that he is the best person to take out my somewhat complicated cerclage so that’s a concern for my well-being. But mostly I want him to do it for sentimental reasons. He’ll be away from 38-39 ½ weeks and I don’t want to wait that long. I want to deliver before anything can go wrong and before I go into labor with a cerclage in, which could be quite painful.

Basically I am trying to justify doing the delivery early. I’m pretty much okay with it and am counting the days, the half days. I’d count the hours if I could do the math.

I am really starting to imagine hearing a crying baby. I’ve turned my attention to getting things ready at home, organizing, packing my stuff, planning when my kids will come and meet their little sister. I’m doing the normal things that people do when they are getting ready to have a baby. This might be the only part of my pregnancy that feels normal at all, aside from the bedrest and the discomfort.

I know that something could still go wrong but I don’t think about that much. However, I will breathe a major sigh of relief when all of her systems check out and she appears perfectly healthy.

Yesterday I called the nurse who took care of me when I was in intensive care during the big nightmare. She remembered me; I figured she would. She was so happy to hear that we were coming back soon to bring things full circle. She said she’d try to switch from the night shift so she could be present for the delivery. The nurses were so amazing. There are two others that I’d also like to see again. It’s pretty exciting to be thinking about the delivery and hospital stay. I am so looking forward to chilling in the hospital and marveling over the baby.

It doesn’t seem real that this is going to happen. With my other two kids, it didn’t really hit me until I heard them cry. It was only then that the baby seemed like a baby, a whole separate person and not a part of my body anymore.

This next paragraph is from an email that I sent to family and friends recently. It’s easier to explain that than try to make the font match.

"I can imagine hearing her first cry. I've been waiting for that moment since that awful day in December 2005 when my doctor told me that LC had to be delivered even though she was too little to live. There was a baby being born right across the hall at that very moment. Somehow when I was hearing that baby's first cries I was blessed with the certainty that that would be us again someday, hearing our baby cry for the first time. It must have been grace visiting me in that moment, helping me bear the utter heartbreak of it all. That faith has been with me all along, it's just been buried under a layer of terror in a futile effort to protect me from more grief."

On a sad note, I am so bummed that the dosmamas may be losing their baby. Aside from my personal involvement, it just completely sucks that this is happening to them. I hoped they would never lose their deadbabyvirginity. I find that I don’t know what to say despite all of my experience with dead babies and people who don’t know what to say about them. The trouble is that I want to make them feel better and that is simply not within my power. One of the best things anybody ever said to me was simply, “How’s today?” (Too bad that was Evil Shadow Pregnancy and she later bailed out of my life in a most spectacularly godawful way.)

Back to the mamas, I am selfishly bummed that Charlotte may be at my delivery full of sadness instead of joy. I know that she’ll be present and thrilled and all of that but I know that she’ll have mixed feelings. I wish for all of us that our birth could coincide with them being 10 weeks along and full of happiness.

I couldn’t seem to finish that thought. I needed a curse word but couldn’t find the right one. I am reminded of how it felt, described above, when we got the bad news about LC while the baby was being born across the hall. I can only wish for the mamas that they feel the certainty that I did that one day they’ll be hearing their baby cry for the first time. Without that faith, I would have been hopelessly lost, not that I didn’t feel hopelessly lost most of the time anyway.

On a happier note, I’ve got less than two weeks to enjoy my last pregnancy ever. Tomorrow I’ll see fancy doc and I expect to be released from bedrest. At 36 weeks the chance of a NICU admission has dropped significantly and I can wish for my water to break with a clear conscience. Hopefully I’ll last through the weekend however so Rocket Man and I can enjoy a night in the city, some serious spa treatments, and a couple of great meals. Lord knows we deserve the pampering and decadence.

13 days.


Anonymous jams wife said...

Off bed rest tomorrow?!? What is the first thing you are going to do? It is amazing that you have had the strength to not go crazy while on bed rest.
Less then 3 weeks until the delivery is so exciting. Wishing you all the best until you can meet your daughter.

5:37 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

I also find that there is nothing really good to say to the mamas even after so recently being where they might be. Because there was pretty much nothing that helpful said to me. Everything just sucked so royally that I didn't come away knowing how to deal with the thing better. I still find that people say dumb shit, or nothing, or think that this ending makes it all better. I did not have that faith you mention when the penguin died but Wes did. Maybe one of a pair having it is enough to keep going and trying. And maybe that person can be different each day - a having-faith switch-off.

I am so glad you are closing in on the end here. Thank fricking fucking heavens. And thanks for that glimmer of an idea that maybe I will actually ENJOY having some time in hospital to marvel at my little guy - right now, being a newbie, the hospital bit is pretty overwhelming to me.

6:34 AM  
Anonymous amy said...

awesome awesome news! congrats to you on your veryyyy long journey! can't wait to see pictures of your new little angel!

9:54 AM  
Blogger delphi said...

Feel good about your dates - BB was 37 weeks 3 days and I wouldn't have considered carrying him a moment longer.

I am going to pop something in the mail to you this week (since Canada Post is going to take their own sweet time with it...) so that you have something fun to come home to. I am getting really excited and nervous for you.


10:53 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

So excited for you and RM! :) It's hard to believe that your pregnancy is almost over (but in a GOOD way!).

1:45 PM  
Blogger Lo said...

FWIW I was 4 lbs something ounces (not a preemie) and no one even worried about me. (I was born at home, I'm sure they'd have worried a bit in a hospital, but the point is I breathed and latched and all that jazz.)
You'll show us pix, right???

2:27 PM  
Blogger Michell said...

The spa day etc sounds great. I hope the next 10 days or so go good.

2:16 PM  
Blogger Ruby said...

10 days to go! Tomorrow your into the single digits.

I can't wait!

2:03 PM  
Blogger lagiulia said...

Congratulations on making it SO so far. I hope the rest smooth and that we read about your little one, safe and sound in your arms, in days to come.

2:02 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

One more week now!

6:31 AM  

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