Tuesday, May 08, 2007

20 days to go

Saw fancy doc today. He checked my cervix and he finally told me something that seems in line with what I’m feeling. He said that my cervix is softening and that he can feel the baby’s head pressing on the stitch. Yes, that makes sense. That’s why I feel like I’m carrying a bowling ball way down low and that it’s being held in only by a stitch in my cervix. Ouch.

I’m sure everybody in my life is tired of hearing me complain. Lord knows I am tired of it but bottom line is still that it really, really hurts. When I do lug my ass out of this couch, I can barely walk around. I stagger. I pant. I heave and groan. My uterus is constantly seized up with a contraction, especially when I am up and around. My left labia is throbbing and feels like it might explode (that’s kind of an unrelated gripe). When on the couch, now I need a pillow between my thighs and behind my back to ease the discomfort. Going to sleep has become something to face at the end of the day. I’m a wreck.

I am so damn uncomfortable. The medication is helping a little but not so much during the day. The contractions are pretty frequent during the day especially when I am up. At night, they still wake me up, four, five, six times a night. I dream about having one and then wake up in the middle of it. Funny how they say that you need to stay well-hydrated to minimize the contractions but a contraction on a full bladder….those are the worst. They are approaching labor contractions which can best be described, as far as I’m concerned, as feeling like a giant is wringing out the lower part of the uterus like a dishtowel. The pain is sharper and it lasts a good two minutes. I have trouble going back to sleep and then only to get woken up by another contraction.

I’m 35 weeks on Thursday, thank the lord. Fancy still hasn’t sprung me from bedrest, not that it matters much at this point. I can barely get around my house, let alone out and about.

At this point it’s all about the secondary gain. If I can hang in there for one more week (I can), then the chance of a NICU stay goes down by 40%. I didn’t come all this way, through nearly two years of hell and terror and deadbabies, to have to visit my daughter in the NICU or to have to her fed through a tube or a bottle because she’s too little to latch on properly. As it is, I’ll have to wait an hour to hold her while I get stitched up and she gets carted off to the nursery.

21 days. Almost 20 now because it’s 7 p.m. here.

I try to remind myself that I am doing this for my daughter. It’s hard to wrap my brain around that because until recently I haven’t believed that she would even live. It’s been hard to connect with her.

I’ve been going through a lot of baby clothes and that has helped me to imagine a baby in them. A live baby. The kind that comes home in a carseat. Not a box of ashes. I think I’m really getting there; that is, I am pretty optimistic everything will be okay and three weeks from this morning I’ll be meeting the baby I waited so long for.

34 weeks, 5 days and I am just now believing that she is going to be okay. Not that I don’t think about things that could go wrong from here. But I don’t think about them much. She has to be okay. I have little choice but to believe that.

I packed some clothes for her to come home in. Teeny, tiny ones for 5-7 lb. babies. They are so darn cute. I need to pick a CD for the C-section. I need to pack my stuff.

I am looking forward to the birth obviously and then the PEACE AND QUIET of the hospital. After we had our daughter, it was like being on vacation. It’s a great hospital. The nurses were so great we didn’t want to leave after either of our kids was born. Hell, the nurses were so great, we sent them cookies and a thank-you note even after we had a dead baby. Now that’s sayin’ somethin’.

I can hardly wait to have my body back, sort of, and to not be in pain anymore. I’ve had three C-section surgeries (1st was to remove a fibroid) and I would gladly swap that discomfort for this. At least pain meds can take away incision pain; this pain and discomfort is round the clock and really can’t be relieved except by having the baby and it’s been weeks. C-section?! Bring it on. Except not yet.

20 days. 20 days. 20 days. Almost 19 and that’s in the teens. Less than three weeks. 20 days. 20 days. 20 days til I meet my daughter.


Blogger Ruby said...

I'm sorry your so uncomfortable.

Glad to hear your worrying less about what can go wrong and focusing on all that is and still will go right.

I'm looking forward to reading your post on what it's like the first time you hold her in your arms.

8:45 PM  
Blogger charlotte said...

I am picturing that kitten dangling from the branch where it says "hang in there". puke on that. this fucking sucks. but i KNOW KNOW KNOW that you can do this. I know it. And this is going to be one special kid. I KNOW that too. And I can't wait to meet her. I'm going to pack my hospital bag tomorrow.

9:55 PM  
Blogger Michell said...

Yay, you are almost there. I'm sorry that you are feeling so uncomfortable and hope that the next 19 days go by quickly.

10:16 PM  
Blogger S&C said...

Sorry you are uncomfortable but at least you are counting down days now?!?

5:19 AM  
Anonymous steph said...

I am so excited for you!! I check on you everyday, so keep posting, dammit. You and sweet baby girl are going to make it through this pregancy, and a new life will begin in 19 days or less. How awesome does that sound? Rock on!!

6:27 AM  
Anonymous bri said...

Ack. I am so sorry that this sucks so badly. It really, really does. It also seems to be true that there is nothing to do but keep wading through the suckitude. You are doing an amazing job of it. Pain sucks. Endless pain is really hard to cope with. I know that. I am willing time to speed itself forward for you. We are all here to listen. Gripe away.

6:58 AM  
Anonymous calliope said...

19 days- sooo effing soon! I hope you can find some moments of comfort between now & then it just sounds so exhausting to have this pain screaming at you all day long. oy!

What are you watching on tv? Anything?

8:16 AM  
Anonymous amy said...

friggin awesome, I can't wait for you to have her either!

11:51 AM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

37 weeks is considered term over here, funnily enough,,,

hang in there -- you're almost there!

12:18 PM  
Anonymous JAMs Wife said...

Wow 20 days, that is so great. You have done a wonderful job making sure that this baby gets a good start in life.

5:14 PM  
Anonymous nycphoenix said...

sounds excrutiating but you're so close and I'm wishing you all the best

1:35 PM  
Blogger Angela said...

Blech, that's awful! Hurting so much all the time and not being able to sleep well and on and on... Please feel free to complain...that's a lot to put up with, man.

BUT! You are almost there!!!! ::dances:: You can do it. You can soooo do it. Just a little over two weeks! It will be so exciting and RELIEVING to finally have your baby girl...screaming and alive and OUTSIDE your belly!

You have all my best wishes and I think of you often.

And I don't mean to come off sounding totally creepy in this comment. Heh. I know, I don't know you and all, but I am so pulling for you.

6:54 PM  
Blogger charlotte said...


11:21 PM  

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