Tuesday, May 22, 2007

One week to go

Today I am a little paranoid. Lately I’ve been worrying about things that can still go wrong. The cycle started this weekend when Rocket man and I went off for a little R&R or, I should say, pampering and decadence. It was a really lovely weekend and most of the time I felt like we were reveling in the last days of this pregnancy.

I started to worry when we got to the spa for our massages. This was the same spa/hotel where we stayed shortly before we lost LC. Back then I was big and pregnant and we were loving our two nights in a fancy hotel. I had a massage, pedicure and facial at the hotel’s fabulous spa. I had recently had my emergency cerclage put in so I was on modified bedrest but I was resting at a beautiful hotel. Disaster struck a week later, right after Christmas. Looking back at our time at the hotel, I had no clue of course what was coming my way.

So this weekend we went back to the same spa. It hadn’t really occurred to me that I could do without the trip down memory lane. When I caught a glimpse of myself in the robe with my big old belly, walking out of the locker room, it took me back to walking that path just before the disaster.

I was doing okay with it until halfway through my massage. I was laying on my stomach, which was supported by a big, foam belly support. I was really comfortable and loving being on my stomach, getting my back massaged. And then I started worrying. My belly was pressing against the table. The supports didn’t leave the belly suspended so there was pressure on it. I started to wonder what if I squashing the umbilical cord. Cord compression for 30 minutes? Could that cause brain damage? Was it reasonable to think that the cord could’ve been compressed by me laying on it? Did I need to start worrying about discovering brain damage at birth? Too late, I was already there. Kind of took some of the fun out of the rest of the massage.

At this point, I am still worried. Not so much specifically about the possible cord compression but about anything that could go wrong at this point. It’s like I am on guard, wondering if something awful will happen. I’ve heard so many horrific stories about full-term births that go horribly awry without warning. I know that something could still go wrong or be wrong with the baby.

I don’t want to worry about this but being at the same spa reminded me of how completely clueless I was about the shock I was in for. There’s no way I could’ve seen that coming. There’s no way to ever see it coming but having been there I can’t help but try to spot the danger.

I’ve been shocked so many times. By two surprise 11-week deadbaby ultrasounds, by a “surprise you’ll probably lose your baby blood clot”, by a disappearing cervix, and most of all by the infection that forced delivery of LC at 23 weeks. Is there another shock coming? I know that no amount of disaster protects us from another one.

What if there is something wrong with her that will be discovered at birth? What if our happy ending doesn’t come? This is my last shot at this? Three tries for our third. That’s all I’ve got.

It helps to think about my kids. When I think about how excited they are, I have to believe in the happy ending. I can almost believe in it for them. Almost.

Maybe once I post this, it will be out of my system a little. I have one week, or less, of pregnancy left. I’d like to enjoy some of it. I really did enjoy a lot of the weekend. It was fun to be out in the world, waddling around dressed up with an enormous belly. Today I am too exhausted to have much fun but I have plans for the next few days that should be fun.

I’m officially off bedrest but I am quite limited by how uncomfortable I am. Gradually I am getting out and about. Hopefully I’ll get a little strength back. God knows I’ll be needing it.

The C-section is scheduled for 10 a.m. on Tuesday may 29th. Less than one week from right now. Fancy doc said he might not be able to get the cerclage out because there might be too much swelling. That wouldn’t surprise me, given how I feel downtown, but I wish he hadn’t told me that. I have ZERO interest in going back in a few months for another surgery, with epidural and all, to get this thing out. NO WAY am I keeping it in indefinitely. The infection from my first cerclage nearly killed me. NFW!! Fortunately I’ll have Charlotte, and a good anesthesiologist, to help me through the cerclage removal attempt that will follow the C-section.

Fancy said that the baby can go on my chest once she’s checked out and wrapped up. He will be a strong advocate for us and help us get the birth that we want. We’ll try for a third time to have some music playing. Charlotte will be with us. Fancy and the nurse that we liked so much will try to get us a double room. The stage is set for a full circle, happy ending. Now it just needs to happen.


Blogger Ruby said...

If good thoughts, hope, wishes and prayer work...You'll have your happy ending.

12:14 PM  
Blogger Michell said...

I agree with Ruby. I'm sending all kinds of good happy thoughts and wishes your way that everything will go smoothly from here on out.

5:31 PM  
Blogger delphi said...

Well, I have to acknowledge that your fears are probably the most "normal" train of thought that a person with so many disasters under her belt might expect. On the other hand, you can try reminding yourself that it is pretty unlikely that anything will go wrong now. I know that I reminded myself of that fact constantly and nothing made me believe it but the first cry of my little boy.

I know how excruciating these last days will be. I feel for you, I really do. Thank goodness you are no longer confined to bed/couch. That would be WAY to much.

FYI, my package for you went in the mail today. I want you to have it no matter what happens, so I am taking a leap of faith by mailing now. That said, I am counting on good news.

7:42 PM  
Blogger Rosepetal said...

I am hoping that this happy ending really does happen and you will see your un-brain-damaged baby girl screaming soon...

1:00 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Your loses have been so tragic, I've lost 5 through miscarriage (before 12 weeks) and I knew I could not attempt again if I had lost my 2nd born.

You are so strong, I wish you the best and hope that this stress is a distant memory in 5 weeks when you're sleep deprived but delirious with happiness.

6:21 AM  
Anonymous bri said...

I am glad to hear I am not the only lunatic who thinks these things. Like everyone says, it is extremely unlikely that something will go wrong. But extremely normal, given your history, to worry. It's almost over. It will be over soon. Soon it will be over.

And, um, why the hell did you go to the same spa, by the way? Good heavens. That would make anyone edgy, dear!

6:47 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

Another stranger from the Internet stopping by to wish you nothing but good news to come... I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

1:14 PM  
Blogger Rosepetal said...

Thinking of you as you stare down the last five days.

2:04 AM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Almost there! You've been pretty tough and I think that your fears that something may go wrong are pretty understandable given your history. You're a very strong woman, and need no encouragement from anyone, but for what it's worth, good luck and I hope everything does come full circle for you and your family. :)

1:38 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Yeah, if we have anything to do with it, your happy ending will be happy enough to warrant a new ride at Disneyland. Worry is inevitable, but know that so many people are wishing you well...and so looking forward to "meeting" that little girl.

10:02 AM  

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