Monday, July 23, 2007

Return from newborn hell

I think I am out of newborn hell. My computer is on and i am attmepting a post for the firsttime in weeks. i've been busy jiggling, swaddling, shhshing, bouncing, reswaddling, and basically carrying a baby that only wants to slept when she is being held. all this while trying to care for my two other kids. we had two weeks of getting out early to take my son to camp. it was hell. hmm. how to get two kids dressed, fed, teeth brushed (my teeth are optional), shoes on, lunches made, my own self dressed and fed a little but not cafeinated sadly, while dealing with a fussy baby and out the door by 8:30. into the car, out of the car, back in then out again. repeat later on all with ababy who criesthru it all some days. it sucked. carrying her all day was a drag. trying to pump breastmilk when i am off dairy? maybe impossible. no creature comforts happening.

fortunately i still had the phone number of the sleep consultant that we used when my first daughter wouldnt sleep. the sleep consultant/sorceress has changed our lives i think. she said thet LS needs al that holding because we've taught her to need it. one day later i am putting her down awake and unswaddled and walking away. walking. not tiptoeing, hoping for three minutes before she starts wailing. so far it is working. amen. more on that later. i may have gotten an easy baby after all. ironic that it may have been me making her into a difficult baby.

LS is 8 weeks old tomorrow. it's been a whirlwind. she is just starting to smile. she smiles heartily at picture frames and the blinds. not so much at us but soon i'm sure. i am already enjoying her more now that i am not frantically trying to get her to sleep or figuring out how to do what i need do to do while holding her.

LS had a tiny pink spot on her head when she was born. i asked the pediatrician in the hospital, "that's not going to turn out to be a hemangioma is it?" we both shook it off as me being jaded and paranoid. turns out i was right. that tiny pink spot has grown into a bright red, angry looking mass that is approaching the size of a dime, right on the top of her forehead, just into her hairline. it's growing pretty quickly and is likely to keep growing for six months to a year. after that it will ikely start to involute or go back in. by age 3 or 5 it may be nearly gone.

its a mass of blood vessels basically i guess. i lose some sleep over how big it is going to get. its a drag to wonder what people think when they see it. kids always ask, adults almost never do, even my friends.

on the one had, i am so grateful that she is here, perfectly healthy and beautiful. i know that we are so very lucky. period.

on the other hand, i am bummed to be dealing with this. i try to refocus my attention on the rest of her adorable self that i just want to inhale and be amazed at. perhaps its a good lesson for me to not focus on the negative, the one thing that isnt quite right. (she also has an umbilical hernia that is huge and her protruding belly button looks like the top of the shaft of a penis. seriously. it will apparently heal itself as the small hole in her ab muscles close up; she may end up with a serious outie belly button. there is very very very little chance of complications from this situation).

our peditrician said to leave the hemangioma on her head alone, it will take care of itself in two, three years or so. i am having trouble staying resolved to do that. a person (trainee, resident? at a specialist's office said to leave it alone; we only talked on the phone. i have an appt there in two months where they will probably say the same thing unless it takes a turn for the worse.

i am struggling with the hemangioma situation. big picture, it doesnt matter. little picture, its a drag. dealing with people's reactions or lack of reaction that they must be having inside. what gets me the most is wondering how big it will get. i am guessing about the size of a quarter and big and blood-blistery looking. i worry about it at night sometimes and the next morning when i see her, it almost always looks smaller than it seemed in the middle of the night. her hair might cover it up a little unless it gets so tall that it sticks out from the hair. then again my elder daughter still hasnt had her bangs cut and she is three. she has been basically bald until recently.

not sure what else to say here. she is gorgeous and sweet and i am crazy about her. time for bed. i wonder if anyone is still reading.

oh and just so you know, people who emailed for her name. i only responded to the people i "know" because i thought what is the point of keeping a confidential blog if i email her name to complete strangers. it doesnt really make sense and what difference does it make if you know her name but the why did i keep all of our names confidential. anyway i am sorry that i didnt respond to the lurkers who emailed for her name. i appreciated the interest and i felt like somewhat of a tool about it.