Sunday, June 10, 2007

Where to go from here?

So… what do I do now? I will be faithfully reading your blogs, waiting for each of you in turn to have your long-awaited happy endings. I will also be reading about the new babies and how things are going in life-after-the-big-day.

I am trying to decide what to write about here. Maybe… how it feels weird to have finally had the long-awaited baby. This journey to live baby has been such a huge part of my life. What do I do now? Where will I place all of my free-floating anxiety?

Should I write about the birth in detail? As incredible as LS’s arrival was, I’ve been lamenting the parts that didn’t go well, like being in tremendous pain for days and not being able to get a handle on it despite everything I’ve learned about questioning medical professionals and advocating for myself. I’m tempted to give advice to those of you whose births are yet to come.

I also wonder if any of you feel guilty that you were disappointed in your birth even though the baby is beautifully perfect and healthy. Do I just need something to complain about or am I afraid that was my last chance to be taken care of as a new mom and I blew it by not being pro-active enough?

Does everybody have birth disappointment to deal with? I don’t remember having much with Thing 1 and Thing 2. I didn’t want to leave the hospital they took SUCH good care of me.

Is somebody going to tell me to fuck off because I am complaining again ALREADY? I hope not because I am a little emotional already.

I could write a bit about being bummed that RM’s time at home is over. After our stay in the hospital and one short week at home, which he had to use vacation days for, RM is back to work tomorrow. I will have help for a few more weeks, thank God, but his leave time has ended. I was hoping that we, the five of us, would have some relaxing and even idyllic (what a fool I am), moments reveling in our new family member. Dumb.

I KNOW very well that I have a problem with high expectations and the nearly inevitable disappointment that follows. I tried to be realistic about RM’s leave time. For the most part it was hectic and frustrating and stressful. There was always something that needed to be done and rarely time to just hang out. The free moments that we did have were at let’s see… a pool party where RM juggled two non-swimmers, one who was constantly bitching about the splashing and the other who needed to jump into the pool at least 50 times with zero ability to keep herself afloat. I was busy with LS who has snapped out of her constant slumber in favor of constant nursing interspersed with fussing. Then Thing 1 fell on the stairs and scraped himself up, producing an EPOCH hysterical fit that lasted 20 minutes. He didn’t care at all that all of his tball buddies, were watching from the pool where there were swimming independently. I am so glad that he wasn’t ashamed of his fit or his non-swimming at nearly age six but still. He wears a big, spiderman suit/flotation device.

It was a pretty stressful party, partly because I was so stressed at what a shitty time RM was having. Between the two of us, we don’t handle much without one of us getting worked up. We need to get a collective grip in order to survive having three kids, especially if we ever want to have a decent time. It might help to remember that they wont be little forever and what a special time this is. It would help more to hire a part-time nanny.

I could write about breastfeeding and the importance of a good latches. HUGE! But a blog about parenting and breastfeeding and other such things? I’d have to change the title and probably the black background. Would anybody read that? I have learned a thing or two about being a parent but still.

I could finish the story of LC’s birth and the next deadbabydisaster but is that what I want to focus on? Probably not.

I could write about how I wish I could be more grateful and focus on the myriad good things in my life instead of the disappointing things. That’s not to say that I am not thrilled that our baby arrived safely. I am awe-struck by her and Things 1 and 2 are loving her and basically everything is going well.

It’s just that I have always been a glass-half-empty person. Actually it’s more like why-didn’t-somebody-help-me-fill-the-glass. No that’s too whiny. It’s more like the-glass-is-half-empty-and-I-am-taking-it-personally. I’m probably not making sense. What’s the situation with your “glasses”?

Hmm. I am tired of being disappointed by people in my life. On the outside I am tough and irreverent and outspoken. On the inside, really deep down, I am fragile and I take everything personally and I let the things that are missing or lacking overshadow the many gifts I have been given. It’s time for me to grow the hell up but I don’t know how to do it. It takes something like the fulfillment of my heart’s desire (LS’s arrival) and finding that I am still the same person who dwells on the negative to make me see, once again, how much I need to learn about grace.

It’s not enough to read about the struggles of others; that produces only temporary gratitude. How does one really become a grateful person who sees and feels the positive in life? Is there a book? A mantra? A tattoo? A… church??!! An upbringing? Is it too late for me? Electroshock therapy?

I want to set a good example for my kids. I want to bring my husband up instead of down. I want my obituary to say really nice things about me that are completely true. I want to find grace or for it to find me.

I hope this post isn't met with a big, fat silence.


Blogger Ruby said...

I for one, will continue to read regardless of what you chose to discuss. Though the theme will change its you who I've come to know through your writing.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

1:56 PM  
Blogger Weathering The Storm said...

I enjoy reading your blog. You write about things that people don’t have the guts to write about. Just continue being you.

2:52 PM  
Blogger momofdom said...

Maybe just write whatever is on your mind at the moment. Just because you got the take home baby doesn't mean life is perfect. Heck! You've got three kids in the house doing three different things.

I will continue to check in with your blog because of your honesty and bluntness. I'm definitely not brave enough to write as candidly as you write, but I'm hoping to get there someday.


4:28 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

I think, keep blogging about all of that. Your posts are insightful and real, and I appreciate that so much. And there is always a bit of post-event letdown, no matter what the event is. So know that it is normal and okay that you are disappointed in some aspects of LS's birth. Because I know in the end you appreciate her more than you lament the disappointments! :)

Congrats again!

4:55 PM  
Blogger Ashley said...

Hi wtf -

I have been working on writing my birth story and hoping to post it soon.

I want to be honest and share the disappointment that I felt. I am hoping that the writing of it and furthermore the posting of it will be therapuetic and help relieve some of the guilt that I have been feeling about feeling disappointed. I want to know that it is okay to have had that experience and that many women actually share the same feelings.

Thank you so much for always being true to yourself (and your readers!).

My vote is for you to keep on blogging!


7:15 PM  
Blogger Truck Driver Wife said...

You have been through a lot. A lot more than anyone I know. I think that no matter what, you will still have readers. I know I would still read.

I think your heart will tell you where to go next.

7:19 PM  
Blogger three minute palaver said...

The fact that you wrote this post shows that you found Grace. and I will continue reading regardless of what you focus on :)

10:54 PM  
Anonymous gypsygrrl said...

i've loved reading your blog and sometimes reading things that i myself am fearful to write and observe about life. it gives us all courage, i think, to face that sometimes there IS simply a perpetual disappointment, but we can have gratitude in there, too. we can embrace and grieve the disappointment, but learn and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

WTF, you are an inspiration in your courage getting thru this last pregnancy after the heartache you have been steeped in. thank you for reminding me to be brave, even in the scary times, when the same things have hurt us before...

thanks for writing - i'll be here to keep reading!

12:35 PM  
Anonymous steph said...

Your kids are at really tough ages, but they will grow. Way to fast, it turns out. Mine are almost 5 and 8 and I find myself clinging to the "babyish" part of my 5-year old. And when I'm around the 4 and under crowd, I support the moms and try to help with the kids and remember what it was like to feel so hectic and like someone was always crying or whining or wanting me to hold them in 100 degree heat with no place to sit down. And you cannot simply leave the house - you must load yourself down like a pack mule.

So give yourself a break. It is normal to feel ungrateful at times. Try to focus on the little fun times you can carve out, and vent about the bad times to your good friends, and it will all pass faster than you can believe, and one day you will reflect back at how wonderful and simple life was.

Not to bug you about exercise, but my gym has free childcare, and after my second was born, I went 5 times a week and got exercise and adult time. It happens to be a women-only gym, so there is a lot of bonding and bitching - it's almost like therapy. There is an hour and a half time limit, and I used it to the fullest!! And things really do look much better after a brief breather from the kids, and exercise sure does wonders for the soul!!

Hang in there girlfriend!!

10:59 AM  
Blogger Angela said...

I'd say, do whatever the hell you please. =) Go through each of those topics, or none of them, or something else entirely, or stop blogging altogether. Although I must say, I would be rather disappointed if you went with that last option. =) I've loved hearing about your family and your reactions to life and your struggle to have "a baby that lives," and I'm definitely interested in reading about what life is like for you now that that's happened.

I think plenty of other people are, too. Have at it!

3:48 PM  
Blogger Angela said...

P.S. Sheesh, I can't get over how gorgeous your baby is. =D I keep scrolling down to see her picture again. Cute.

3:50 PM  
Anonymous owl said...

I have been lurking and reading your blog for about 6 months now. I love it, i love your honesty and strength and the fact you say what many are thinking but would never admit to. I too will continue to be an avid reader of yours.

5:21 PM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

Maybe your first step towards trying to focus on the positive instead of the negative could be to find a new 'positive' blog title... and then just take it day by day and look for the little positives that exist.


12:38 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

As another glass-half-empty-how-the-hell-do-I-fill-it kind of girl, I say just keep writing whatever comes to mind. I know that I'll continue to read it.

5:11 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

Hey. We're still here. Keep writing. Dammit.

7:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep writing. We've all been anxiously awaiting you bringing home your little baby, and now that you have we want to hear your new adventures with this huge life change. You are an excellent writer and I already miss your blogs.

5:33 PM  

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